3 hours ago
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A psychologist has – at long last – shared the three signs you’re “overcommunicating” in your relationship. Overcommunicating. This is a somewhat revolutionary concept, as we’re consistently told communication is the key to a successful long-term union. But, whaddaya know? Turns out you can have too much of a good thing.
The revelation, courtesy of Mark Travers PhD, provides much food for thought generally but, more importantly, gives me a chance to utter those three little words you can never say often enough to your partner: told you so.
Travers writes in Forbes magazine that, as we’ve been led to believe thus far: “To a large extent, research agrees that open, honest communication predicts higher relationship satisfaction, deeper trust between partners, and longevity of their shared bond.” However, he says, there’s nuance within that. “A truth that might startle most couples is that more communication is not always better communication.”
He explains that discovering this doesn’t mean now resorting to playing games or withholding feelings: “Instead, they should try to focus on learning the difference between healthy expression and over-processing”.
Overprocessing sounds extremely familiar, because I am married to Mr TMI. This man tells me what he might have for lunch tomorrow – and to be honest, I would struggle to be interested even if it was a definite plan. He narrates his life to me as he lives it, his every musing, plan and idea, keeping me up to date with any changes to the schedule, like a breathless rolling-news reporter. He cannot understand why I don’t make sure he’s similarly informed. Why I insist on my bathroom habits being what he calls “secret” and I call “private”.
My husband supplies a running commentary as he unpacks the dishwasher, discusses queries he’ll probably Google later, ensures I’m thoroughly well-versed in the fortunes of Arsenal football club, their chances for future success, and what, in his opinion, they should do to guarantee it. He’ll tell me about somewhere he nearly went, but ended up deciding not to. That he saw somebody who looked like his friend, but wasn’t. He won’t just say he’s going to the supermarket, he’ll run through each item on his shopping list, and if he’s unable to buy any of them, I’m the first to hear about it. It’s as though, when he heard about couples sharing their lives, he assumed it meant absolutely literally, incessantly, relentlessly.
This would probably be fine if I had nothing to do other than be enthralled by his antics, but unfortunately there’s the inconvenient little matter of my own life, and there only being a certain number of hours in a day. Of course I’m invested in his storyline, but not to the exclusion of all else. I care how he is feeling, the top line of what he thinks and feels, but not about every notion that occurs to him on a second-by-second basis. I also worry about retaining a slight air of mystery, which I’ve always thought is healthy for a relationship – and that’s not entirely a euphemism for keeping what happens in the smallest room to yourself, but it also isn’t not that. There has to be a line, doesn’t there? A limit. As Travers says, “Partners feel safest not when everything is discussed, but when they trust that important things will be discussed”.
Those three signs of overcommunicating to watch out for are: you’re seeking reassurance in your relationship, not clarity; you process every feeling out loud in your relationship before you even understand it; and you talk so much about your relationship that the attraction starts to fade. In fairness to my husband, our relationship is probably the one topic he doesn’t verbally liveblog. We’ve learned over the years that it’s better to talk openly about issues or disagreements, which we do, but then we move on. That we have each other’s backs is mostly unspoken. Maybe I should count myself lucky that our marriage isn’t constantly under the microscope – just every single other aspect of his life.
And, who knows, perhaps this is the slickest double bluff of all time. If it turns out he’s had a secret second family all along, I’ll actually be quite impressed.
