“See the Ashes ignite” was the experience Cricket Australia promised fans in an attempt to persuade them to turn up to watch this series. It was a tagline that promised a hard-fought, thrilling contest. Instead, locals have had the opportunity over the past three weeks to watch England’s batting, fielding abilities and reputation go up in smoke.
The culmination was no more than England deserved: utter annihilation in front of a crowd of more 10,000 in Melbourne, as Australia sealed victory in the Test by an innings and 122 runs with a day to spare to claim the first whitewash of the multi-format era. Thus ends the worst overseas tour by England Women in living memory.
England had actually shown some fight in the first session of the day. Beth Mooney successfully brought up her hundred, but England then induced an Australian collapse of five wickets for nine runs, led by a wily Sophie Ecclestone, who finished with five for 143 - making England’s decision to field only one frontline spinner look very foolish indeed.
The signwriter at the MCG had been kept busy before play started on Saturday adding Annabel Sutherland’s name to the honours board after her history-making ton on the second day: on Sunday he will have to get up his ladder again multiple times.
But England were still the small matter of 270 behind on first innings and they faced a mammoth task - bat for four-and-a-half sessions, and save the Test. In theory, they had the personnel to do so. Heather Knight and Tammy Beaumont both have the technique and temperament to build Test innings - Beaumont hit a double hundred at Trent Bridge in 2023, while Knight has two Ashes 150s - and they patiently constructed a partnership of 73 for the second wicket.
But then came the duo of Alana King and Ash Gardner, bowling in tandem either side of the dinner break. Gardner struck first: Knight had been solid for two hours, but the intense psychological pressure of knowing that her future as England captain might be at stake eventually told and she sent up a tame catch to Phoebe Litchfield at short leg.
Then Alana King did exactly what she has done all series, and produced a spell of masterful leg-spin. Nat Sciver-Brunt was trapped leg-before by King’s slider; Sophia Dunkley was bowled by a brilliant leg-break; then Beaumont played on three runs short of a half-century and England were staring down the barrel. Just over a year ago, in Mumbai, England were humiliated by India in a Test because they couldn’t work out how to play spin. Nothing has changed.
Indeed, JonBall - the all-guns-blazing approach to batting advocated by their coach Jon Lewis - has arguably made the problems worse, encouraging aggression even when the match situation, as it did on Saturday, calls for defence. On this occasion, England lost their last nine wickets for 69 runs.
The only remaining question was whether it would be King or Gardner who would trouble the MCG’s signwriter for a fourth time this Test. Laurens Filer and Bell kept everyone guessing for 75 balls - the crowd roaring as a succession of possible chances dropped safe - but it was King who eventually secured the five-for which she had been denied first time around, when Filer chipped up a catch to mid-on.
The day had begun with Mooney, stranded on 98 not out overnight, nervously facing down five balls from Ecclestone. Mooney was beaten twice and tried for a non-existent single before carving the sixth out past point to score the two runs required to bring up her century.
Ecclestone’s response was to upend expectations by engineering a much hastier than expected end to the Australian innings. Even more surprisingly, England - after spending noticeably longer than usual out on the outfield at the G before play doing fielding drills - actually held on to some catches.
Mooney was bowled playing down the wrong line to Filer, but Tahlia McGrath and Kim Garth were both out caught. As was Ellyse Perry, who had not been expected to bat (and indeed did not take to the field), and was greeted with thunderous applause when she finally walked out to the middle at No 10. But she faced just seven balls before sending up a limp return catch to Ecclestone as Australia extended their overnight lead by just 18 runs.
England could finally claim to have won a session - but it was all too little, too late. The only comfort on offer is that the blessed oblivion of the plane home awaits.