2 hours ago
1
The question I’ve been with my partner for more than 25 years and while he’s perfect in pretty much every way, and I love him very much, I have a history – in our relationship – of casual sex and one-night stands. There have been periods of many years when I was monogamous, 10 years in particular during which our two children were born. Although he’s an attentive and selfless lover, he seldom interests me in that way and I still get an overwhelming kick from a one-night stand. I know I’ve damaged him with my behaviour, and that he feels inadequate, but I long for him to agree to marry me. I’ve proposed more than once, but he’s declined on account of my infidelity. Other than this issue, he makes life perfect for me and our family. I wish he knew how much he means to me, but I worry one day he’s just going to leave. How can I fix this?
Philippa’s answer What strikes me most is the contradiction between your deep love and appreciation for your partner and your simultaneous pursuit of sexual experiences outside the relationship. You describe him as “perfect in pretty much every way”, yet you also acknowledge your history of infidelity, which has understandably caused him pain and led to his hesitation about marriage. I want to explore this contradiction, because I sense it holds the key to understanding your inner struggle.
It sounds as though you are living in two emotional worlds that are difficult to reconcile. On one hand, you have built a life with a loving, attentive partner and your children. On the other, you still seek something outside that relationship, something that one-night stands provide – what? A sense of excitement or freedom? But what do these fleeting encounters give you that your long-term relationship does not? You mention getting a “kick” from these experiences. I wonder whether that is more than just sexual thrill. Could it be tied to a deeper emotional need, perhaps related to your sense of self-worth, desire for validation, or avoidance of intimacy?
Your situation is heartbreaking, not because you’ve made mistakes – you wouldn’t be alone in that – but because you’re so desperately seeking something that can’t be fixed by your partner, or even by marriage. I think you might be searching for reassurance in places it doesn’t exist and, until you see that, nothing is going to change.
Despite what your partner has done for you and your family, you haven’t been able to stop pursuing one-night stands. Why? It’s not because he’s inadequate and it’s not because casual sex is giving you anything truly meaningful. My theory is that you’re using these flings to fill a hole within yourself, a hole created by your own insecurity. Deep down, I suspect you don’t feel worthy of being loved and these fleeting encounters provide a temporary boost to your self-esteem. But I believe that there will never be enough one-night stands, or enough people to sleep with, to heal what’s broken inside you.
People who struggle with low self-esteem often engage in risky or casual sexual behaviour in order to feel desired, even though it doesn’t lead to long-term emotional satisfaction. Individuals with low self-esteem tend to seek external validation to momentarily boost their self-worth, but such validation is rarely lasting. You get a kick from the validation of new people wanting you, but it’s fleeting. It’s not repairing your sense of self. You’re chasing something that only you can give yourself: a feeling of security and self-worth that isn’t dependent on someone else’s desire for you.
Getting married won’t fix this. In fact, forcing your partner into a commitment like marriage when he already feels hurt by your actions may make things worse. I expect that his refusal to marry you isn’t because he doesn’t love you, he’s refusing because your infidelity has shown him that you might not be emotionally ready for the kind of commitment marriage requires. And I don’t believe you are ready. Not because you don’t love him, but because you don’t love yourself enough to stop seeking external validation from others.
You need to work on yourself. Not for him, not for your kids, but for you. You need to understand the original injuries, perhaps from your past, perhaps from childhood, that led you to believe you need this constant external validation. A therapist can help you explore why your attachment to him feels so fragile, why you turn away from a stable, loving relationship and into the arms of strangers. Your problem isn’t a lack of marriage, it’s a lack of self-belief. This isn’t about fixing your partner or persuading him to marry you. It’s about fixing yourself, about learning to feel worthy of love without needing the momentary highs of casual sex. Therapy, with a focus on attachment theory, can help you break free from this pattern of self-sabotage. The root of the problem is inside you, not outside. So stop asking him to marry you and start asking yourself what you need to heal. The path to feeling secure doesn’t lie in marriage, or in proof of your desirability, it lies within you.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
