1 hour ago
1
When you think of television characters, chances are you remember the ones you can actually see. But this is a wildly unfair slight on a small but powerful minority: the characters who remain staunchly offscreen. For decades – mostly in comedies, with a handful of dramatic exceptions – these invisible workhorses have more than earned their keep, and they deserve their props. Here are the 10 best characters whose faces you have never actually clapped eyes on.
10. Ugly Naked Guy, Friends
Ugly Naked Guy (formerly Cute Naked Guy) was a nudist who lived across the street from Monica and Rachel. He never closes his curtains, and sleeps in a hammock beside the window. At one point, the gang thought Ugly Naked Guy had died, and tried to poke him with a long-range device made of chopsticks. Ugly Naked Guy ranks so low here because he was actually seen on camera three times across the duration of Friends, but only from behind. Fans speculated for years about the identity of the man who played him; an internet sleuth eventually worked out it was an actor named Jon Haugen.
9. Erica, BoJack Horseman
Nobody knows what Erica looks like, how she dresses or even what species she is. However, across the six seasons of BoJack Horseman’s run, she was referred to endlessly, largely by Mr Peanutbutter. All we know about her can be pieced together by his exclamations, which included: “Erica! How are you looking so beautiful? I’m furious!”, “Erica! Is that you? Who let you out of the burn ward?” and “Erica! What are you doing here with a child-sized coffin?”.
8. The prime ministers, The Thick of It
We never actually meet any of the men who run the country in The Thick of It – those looming menaces who dictate much of the chaos that unfolds. But we know enough about them to guess their characters. The first is a legacy-obsessed Tony Blair-alike, the second a Gordon Brown stand-in whose acolytes are referred to as “nutters”, and the third a posh Conservative coalition leader who is still in when the series ends, four years before he presumably invented Brexit.
7. Vera Peterson, Cheers
Almost all we know about Norm’s wife comes from his (often insulting) descriptions of her. However, one of the things that made Cheers special was that this never tipped into outright hostility; when the time came, Norm made it clear that he and Vera were in love. Fun fact: Vera appeared on screen once, but her face was obscured by a pie that had been thrown at her. Another fun fact: the few times we heard Vera, she was voiced by George Wendt’s real-life wife, Bernadette Birkett.
6. Carol, I’m Alan Partridge
By contrast, there was no love lost between Alan Partridge and his ex-wife, a woman he met in a Norfolk cafe in the 1970s and who would eventually leave him for a fitness instructor. Still, she remains on his mind, especially in I’m Alan Partridge, where he drunkenly phones her to mock the sluggish acceleration of her new lover’s Renault Mégane.
5. Bob Sacamano, Seinfeld
The unseen neighbour of Kramer, who talks about him endlessly. He made his fortune by coming up with the idea of attaching balls to tennis rackets with elastic bands, but now works at a condom factory. His synapses are so large that he is immune to electroshock therapy. He has an unusually high voice after a botched hernia operation. He has rabies. You get the picture.
4. Sheridan Bucket, Keeping Up Appearances
The love of Hyacinth’s life, her son Sheridan is the only member of the Bucket family to live up to her lofty social ideals. He attends university (“the Poly”), although it is revealed that he dropped maths to study tapestry design and advanced needlework. He has fine taste, going on extravagant holidays and wearing silk pyjamas. He lives with his best friend, Tarquin. He is the apple of Hyacinth’s eye, although he only ever contacts her when he needs money.
3. Mrs Columbo, Columbo
For most of her time, Mrs Columbo lived only through his descriptions of her (“She has a proverb for every situation”; “Well, my wife, she says I’m second-best, but she claims there are eighty fellas tied for first”; “She’s mad at everyone”), making her as beloved as her husband. However, she can only make this list if we promise to ignore Mrs Columbo, the short-lived NBC series where Kate Mulgrew played the character as an intrepid crime-fighting news reporter from 1979-80. It’s probably for the best that we do that.
2. Sue Mucklowe, This Country
This Country’s greatest character was heard – loudly – but never seen. Voiced by Daisy May Cooper herself, Sue only made herself known through the angry nonsense she shouted at her daughter from her upstairs bedroom. “You know what would be a random act of kindness? You wiping your arse properly so I don’t have to spoon shite out of your knickers every time I do a bloody wash!” she screamed down at her daughter in one episode.
1. Maris Crane, Frasier
The all-time gold standard of unseen television characters, Maris has been described so thoroughly (often by her unhappy husband, Niles) that it often feels like you know her. She is supposedly 4ft 10in tall, has an aversion to food and lacks any pigmentation in her skin. She comes from a wealthy family, but is wan and tires easily. She has many allergies and cannot produce her own saliva. The last anyone heard from her she was hiding on a private island after killing her boyfriend in self-defence. What a woman.
