1 week ago
10
Name: Resolutionaries.
Age: As old as there have been new years.
Appearance: Slow, inefficient, oblivious.
This sounds fairly pejorative. Well, tell me, have you been to a gym yet this year?
I have. Hasn’t it been horrible?
No, not really. Seriously? Haven’t you had to wait for ages to use all the machines you wanted to use?
Not at all. In fact, I’ve found I can really take my time. I even managed to catch up on my emails between sets. Oh no.
Why are you looking at me like that? You’re one of them, aren’t you? You’re a resolutionary.
I don’t follow. Here’s a question: did you regularly go to the gym before January?
No. Interesting. And do you see this new interest in fitness lasting?
Based on all historical evidence, it’ll peter out by March at the latest. Then you’re a resolutionary.
I still don’t get it. Resolutionaries, according to the Wall Street Journal, are those who add improved fitness to their new year goals and flock to the gym, creating a January rush.
And that’s bad? For gym regulars like me it is. You are the bane of our workout. We’re used to nice quiet sessions but now have to angrily navigate your bumbling, slow-motion ineptitude. All the carefully assembled gym etiquette has gone out of the window. Maybe you talk on the phone, or listen to music without headphones. You definitely don’t wipe down.
Sorry, I’m new! That isn’t good enough. You have no idea how much everyone dislikes you. I guarantee that someone has tutted at something you’ve done incorrectly. I’d be willing to bet that someone has angrily creepshotted you being too leisurely on the pec deck for their Instagram stories, which they’ve captioned “Hurry up idiot”.
You’re not being very nice at all. Weren’t you new once? I was, but that was so long ago that I count that person as a previous version of me. Now I know the rules. Now I follow them stringently, and have no tolerance for anyone who deviates from what I deem acceptable.
Who knew that gyms were full of such self-regarding monsters? Well, everyone really. But listen, it’s OK. We go through this every year, and we know that it’s temporary. In fact, Strava has analysed data and determined that resolutionaries tend to stop going to the gym on the second Tuesday of January. They call it Quitter’s Day.
But the second Tuesday of January is this week! Finally, I’m free. That’s right, you go back to being disgusting and sedentary. Meanwhile, me and all the other hardened gym rats will go back to doing what we do best.
Which is? Obsessively working out in the mistaken hope that our toned bodies will somehow act as a mask for our objectively horrible personalities, obviously.
Do say: “Any exercise is better than no exercise.”
Don’t say: “Unless you’re in my way.”
