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Every year during Oscars week, it has become tradition for all the nominees to meet up and eat a meal together. This is usually followed by a group photo; something that the people in attendance can look back upon and cherish, knowing that for this one moment all competition fell away and they found joy in surrounding themselves with their gifted colleagues.
At least that’s the idea. As anyone who has ever been in a group photo will attest, these things are an absolute mess. There are simply too many people to control, and the resulting image is generally a free-for-all of weird costumes, odd expressions and seemingly hostile body language. As such, let’s use this year’s Oscars class photo to hand out some awards of our own.
Most recognisable: Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande (front row, centre)
This is less a category, more a shameful admission. The Oscars are the biggest night of the movie-industry calendar, and I make a living from writing about the movie industry, and yet I do not know who most of these people are. If this photo proves anything, it’s that the films you enjoy are often made by people so anonymous that you wouldn’t give them a second look if they tripped over a bag on a bus. So thank God for the stars of Wicked, Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo, for at least making an effort. Yes, it helps that they’re among the most famous people in the room. Yes, it helps that they’re sitting in the front row. Yes, it helps that they seem to have dressed expressly for the purpose of standing out in a group photo, and seem much happier to be there than anyone else. But mainly, it helps that I know who they are. Congratulations!
Most keen to distance themselves from all this: Timothée Chalamet (third row from back, far left)
Forget anything I said about this photo being a chummy opportunity for the participants to demonstrate that they are part of a wider community. Honestly, just look at the body language on Chalamet here. His face is a tight rictus grin of reluctance. He is leaning away from his neighbour with his entire torso, the way you would if a foul-smelling stranger plonked themselves next to you on a park bench. Most strangely, he seems to be raising a fist, as if he’s getting ready to punch his way out of the room. The poor boy seems to be having a nightmare.
Least able to look at the camera: James Mangold (second row from back, far right)
James Mangold, your job is literally photographing people. You’ve become one of our finest film-makers because you are good at taking people and getting them to stand in the correct poses in front of a camera. And yet look at you. Everyone else is looking at the photographer, but not you. You’re staring at the guy in front of you, lost in a world of your own. Would it kill you to tilt your chin up a little bit? You have no choice but to make another good film this year so you can try to look at the camera properly when this picture is taken again a year from now.
Oddest squish: Zoe Saldaña and Mikey Madison (front row, left of centre)
It’s genuinely hard to say what’s going on here. Most of those in attendance get to sit in regular cinema seats, except for a few people at the front who are sitting on chairs that have been placed in the spots reserved for wheelchair users. Four people sit in four chairs placed on the right-hand side of the photo. Four chairs also appear to have been placed on the left-hand side, yet five people are sitting there. Indeed, Andrew Watt, Zoe Saldaña and Mikey Madison appear to be squeezed on to just two seats. Why is this? There are plenty of empty seats elsewhere in the auditorium. One of them could have gone to sit next to Chalamet. It might have even cheered him up a bit. My guess is that someone threw a gigantic fit about their allotted seat placement and crammed themselves into the front row, to the discomfort of those around them. The question is: who?
Most visibly bored: Diane Warren (fourth row, sixth from right)
Another year for Diane Warren, another nomination for a song in a film that nobody has heard of. Another looming Oscar night bound to end in disappointment. Warren’s entire aura is screaming, “Let’s just get this over and done with.” And who can blame her?
Most psychotic stare: Yura Borisov (back row, fourth from left)
If you’ve seen Anora, you’ll know that Borisov is a fairly intense performer. But nothing he has ever done – nothing anyone has done in the entire history of life on Earth – can match the sheer vibrating intensity of the face he is pulling in this photo. He looks as if he’s ready to reach through the screen and gouge your eyes out with his thumbs. Just give him an Oscar, for God’s sake.
Most needless Muppet death: unknown subject (front row, third from right)
Sorry lady, I don’t know who you are, but Elmo did not deserve to end his life for this.
