Should my boyfriend wear the clothes I buy for him?

6 hours ago 4

The prosecution: Bella

When Axel doesn’t wear something I’ve given him, I feel hurt. Buying gifts is my way of showing I care

I really enjoy buying things for my boyfriend, Axel. It’s about love; I get excited whenever I see something that reminds me of him. I like to buy him clothes in particular – I think it gives him a little confidence boost. Even though I already like his sense of style, it’s my way of showing I care.

I earn more money than him, so it’s not a big deal to get him gifts. I know not everyone expresses love through presents, but if I can afford it, why not? But when he doesn’t wear something I’ve given him, especially after I’ve put thought into it, I feel hurt.

This summer, I bought him a pair of jeans. But I noticed he wasn’t wearing them, and asked if he liked them. He came downstairs the next day wearing them, saying: “Hey, I’ve got your jeans on!” That made me feel stupid.

It felt as if he was only wearing them because I had asked. Part of me felt happy, but another part felt as if he was doing it to shut me up. I don’t expect him to wear everything immediately or to perform gratitude, but when weeks go by and I never see him wearing my gifts, I start to wonder if he liked them in the first place.

I want him to look his best – so, yes, I have opinions about what suits him. One time, I tried to get rid of his Crocs. I hate them. Axel got really annoyed. Maybe I overstepped a bit. He said I was trying to erase his personality, but I wasn’t. I just wanted him to see what I see: that he could look amazing if he upgraded his wardrobe slightly.

Axel has got great style when he wants to, and I get frustrated when he sticks to the same few things out of habit. I suppose that’s because he doesn’t take as much interest in fashion as I do and doesn’t have as much money to invest in his wardrobe.

But, from my end, sometimes it’s not about the clothes at all; it’s about wanting to feel that my gestures are appreciated. I love that Axel is independent and stubborn; it’s part of what makes him him. But I also wish he’d see that when I buy him things, I’m just trying to connect with him.

The defence: Axel

I’ve been single so long I’m not used to people buying me things – and I don’t like being told what to do

I think Bella’s habit of buying me things and then getting annoyed when I don’t wear them is unhealthy. No one should be forced to use a gift whenever the giver wants. That detracts from the meaning of a gift, which is supposed to be altruistic.

With the jeans, I just hadn’t got round to wearing them because it was very hot this summer. But when she asked if I liked them, I put them on the very next day.

Bella then accused me of only wearing them to placate her, which was kind of true. But my thinking is: don’t ask me to wear something you bought and then accuse me of not really wanting to wear it. None of that makes sense.

I should be able to choose when to wear my clothes. Bella is being very sweet when she buys me things, but I don’t want to feel pressured. She said I was ungrateful when I brought this up, but it’s really not that.

Bella also makes a lot more money than me, and it isn’t a big deal for her to splurge on new items. But I don’t have that many clothes, and I’m used to wearing the same old outfits. It takes me a bit of time to adjust to having new things in my wardrobe.

I’m also not used to people buying me things, as this is my first relationship. There’s probably also a bit of me being stubborn. When Bella tried to get rid of my Crocs, I didn’t react well.

I actually really like the jeans she got me, but sometimes if she has a good idea, my initial reaction is to refuse to do it, just because I’ve been single for so long and I don’t like being told what to do. Bella has also pointed out this tendency in me, and I know I need to work on it.

However, another part of me wonders whether Bella is buying me things because she’s trying to change me. Or maybe she doesn’t like my style.

Besides, I do think I’m right about gifts: the giver shouldn’t control how or when someone uses their present.

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The jury of Guardian readers

Who is being shirty?

Bella seems generous, but she’s buying Axel gifts she thinks he should want rather than things he’d actually appreciate. Receiving gifts becomes stressful when there are expectations attached. Maybe using the money to do fun things together would bring more of the connection Bella is looking for?
Kirsty, 41

Axel does seem grateful and is reflective about his reactions, and while Crocs should only be worn at the beach or when gardening, if there is an ulterior motive behind any present it spoils the gesture. Ultimately, it is reasonable for a recipient to enjoy a gift how they see fit.
Jack, 24

It’s one thing getting your partner to throw away their Crocs, but forcing a whole wardrobe change is a step too far. It would’ve been nice if Axel had acknowledged the gift unprompted, but that is his prerogative. Both of them need to build healthy habits around gift giving and receiving.
Sebastian, 28

Bella is treating Axel like a Ken doll. He has expressed his feelings clearly, and they should be respected. Can she find other ways of giving him a treat that recognise his preferences? Some concert tickets, perhaps, or a weekend away?
Judith, 78

Axel should be more grateful for the gifts he receives. Bella’s motivations aren’t entirely pure, but whose are? She’s giving him beautiful clothes and the least Axel could do is deign to wear them.
Jenny, 46