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In polarising times, when technology has too often made us even more isolated, opportunities for meaningful conversation can go unnoticed. But what are we really missing? What do we forgo when we don’t take the chance to talk? And which conversations matter most? Here, experts highlight six conversations we should be having with one other, but aren’t.
With your young child: tell them disagreements aren’t scary
“Disagreeing in front of children can feel difficult for parents who fear it will upset them,” says Dr Laura Weingarten, a principal child clinical psychologist in the NHS. “The difficulty with this is that children will often pick up on the dispute anyhow and internalise difficult emotions that they don’t understand.” Instead, says Weingarten, be mindful of your child observing your interactions with your partner or others, and use it as a platform to model the expression of those emotions.
While it is unhelpful for a child to witness disregulated “arguing” between caregivers (ie, screaming rows), a difference of opinion is healthy and normal. Explaining and modelling that disagreements are OK, giving those “difficult” emotions labels, and letting them understand that we can reach a positive resolution will stand them in good stead for life.”
A good opportunity to start a conversation is when the child themselves has had difficulty managing a disagreement, for example with a sibling over a toy. “Find the words they can’t necessarily find themselves,” says Weingarten. “You could start by saying, ‘I can see you are feeling upset and that must be very difficult for you.’ Tell them, ‘I’m here for you and I understand.’ This shows them that disagreement is manageable and isn’t something to be afraid of. In those moments, you can also revisit a time when they witnessed disagreement, and make sure they noticed the resolution afterwards by saying, ‘Do you remember that time Mummy was upset with Grandpa, then they made up? See, it’s OK when we disagree and talk to each other about it.”
With your teenager: teach them how to ask for what they want
“It is difficult for people of all ages, but especially teenagers, to ask for what they want in an effective way,” says Weingarten. “But once they have mastered the balanced art of expressing their needs and wants without being combative or blowing things out of proportion, all conversations become easier.”
Wanting to feel socially accepted can make this a particularly hard task in the teenage years. “This makes it a good time to have the conversation,” says Weingarten. “They may find it hard to ask for a teacher’s support without feeling frustrated, or to speak to a friend who didn’t invite them to a party without being angry. Explaining how to communicate effectively will allow them to achieve what they want and need without jeopardising relationships.”
Weingarten suggests talking to your teenager about the need to do this fairly, explaining that they never need to over- or under-apologise, exaggerate or act helpless when expressing their wants. In practice, this means helping your teen to feel confident describing the difficulty they have with a situation and then expressing how they feel to you and others: “Tell them they don’t need to say sorry for what they want, but neither do they need to shout it. For example, they could tell a friend planning a night out, ‘I’m OK with you wanting to do something different, but I know that I won’t feel good there. Please can we choose somewhere else or do our own thing this time?’ They should be able to communicate in this clear, honest way, safe in the knowledge that it is fair to everyone involved,” says Weingarten.
With an elderly relative: ask them what they were doing at your age
Family therapist and associate professor at the University of Exeter Prof Hannah Sherbersky explains that relatives can sometimes get stuck “in role” with one other: “It’s exciting to remember that the people we love who are older have lived out completely different roles that bear no resemblance to the one they now inhabit in relation to us,” she says.
She suggests asking them about what they were doing when they were your age to spark a new type of conversation: “They might tell you about a relationship, a job, where they were living, a move.” The conversation provides an opportunity that might otherwise be missed to learn from and know a different version of an ageing relative; it can also inform our own decision-making and place in the world.
Sherbersky says: “We get very caught up in what’s different between us and other generations rather than what is the same. With this conversation, the elderly relative is invited to step back into another aspect of themselves that perhaps they’ve lost touch with: a time they may have felt stronger or had more sense of agency in the world, or perhaps life was more complicated and they can reflect on how they feel more content now.”
There are benefits for the younger relative too: “It can give us perspective on where we are in our lives and help us think about our own future,” says Sherbersky. “What qualities, transgenerational values, skills, stories and memories will be passed down?” This provides an opportunity to consider whether they are good things or whether they are influences we’d like to end.
Sherbersky adds: “Often we learn things about someone after they have died; what a shame not to have known it when they were alive.”
With your long-term partner: talk about how it felt to get in trouble as a child
By asking how they felt when they were reprimanded as a child, what you’re essentially saying is, “How did you respond to feedback?” says therapist and bestselling author Nedra Glover Tawwab. “Knowing if they continued to repeat the issue, it they were a good listener, did they yell and fight with their parent, or did they think, ‘This is something I can work on,’ tells you what works and what does not.”
She adds: “You’re saying, ‘What is the thing that sets you off? Let me understand what’s happening here, so I’m not pushing those buttons.’ If you know they came from an overbearing parent, you don’t want to mimic that behaviour; if they had an indecisive parent and you’re indecisive, you can understand why they’re short on patience – because they feel like they’ve been dealing with this forever.”
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Without broaching this, couples may find themselves stuck in a loop of trying to get through to each another, says Tawwab. “When long-term couples have this conversation, arguments are less explosive. They don’t feel personally attacked even though their feelings are hurt. They’re upset because there’s a disruption, but they know ‘you love me’.”
On a first date: talk about wealth
“Our attitude to wealth is tied to our values, making it among the most important topics if you’re looking for a long-term partner,” says matchmaker Paul C Brunson, host of the podcast We Need to Talkand author of Keep Love.
“I tell people to ask: ‘Would you rather a) be paid £50,000 while others make £25,000 in the same job, or b) receive £100,000 while others get £250,000?’ This question unpacks empathy – one of the most important character traits that you see in high satisfaction relationships – and provokes considered thinking. It’s not necessarily about the answer, it’s about the thought process. If someone gives up or completely turns off to it, they’re not ready to be a partner and put in the kind of consistent effort relationships require of us.”
If there is disagreement, he says, it serves another purpose: “You immediately have an opportunity to see if you can begin to resolve conflict with the person in front of you, which is the number one behavioural set you need in a relationship.”
With a friend who hurt you: discuss the function of your friendship
“Each relationship meets a need and, in doing so, serves a function,” explains family and systemic psychotherapist Mark Stroud. “In friendships, the need may be a sense of competition through playing sport, excitement from going clubbing, relaxing by drinking together. Often friendships meet more than one need but, almost universally, their function is an unspoken negotiation that is rarely, or never, talked about. When someone can no longer meet a need, maybe because their work or caring demands have changed, we can feel hurt.”
Stroud says that by coming together and figuring out what the function of the friendship is, you can determine whether it remains the same for both people or if you want to renegotiate and agree to meet each other’s needs in a different way now that circumstances have changed: “It allows you to deepen and evolve your friendship. For example, clubbing might no longer be on the cards, but trips away could provide the excitement.”
Stroud says this type of conversation can be hard. “You should choose a setting and a way of talking that is familiar and comfortable to you both – on a bike ride, over a meal or going for a walk, depending if you’re used to catching up with each other against some background activity or in a quiet spot.
“It can be helpful to start by raising the changes you have noticed, such as, ‘We don’t go out as much as we used to,’ or, ‘I’ve noticed our plans keep getting cancelled at the last moment.’ Own how that makes you feel – for example by saying, ‘It makes me sad because … ’”
But he adds: “Make sure you don’t locate the problem in them: apportioning blame will get in the way of thinking about how you ‘do’ being friends differently. Invite their experiences of the change too, and be open to their perspective – they may experience it as coming from your life. Remember to be curious about the other person’s experiences and to be kind to each other; it takes two to make the friendship work.”
