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People who choose not to have children are sometimes questioned about their choice – whether they have made the right decision, or told perhaps they will change their mind. While medical problems mean some people are unable to have children, others choose to be childfree.
The Guardian has explored how friendships can be affected when one person has offspring and another does not.
Scores of people shared their experiences, with some expressing sadness at drifting apart from friends after children arrived, while others felt supported in their choice – and love being the fun aunt or uncle.
‘I love being able to act like a kid with my friends’ children’
Like a lot of people who’ve never wanted children, I’ve always been told I’ll change my mind one day. It was even a factor in my divorce. “I thought you’d come around,” my ex-partner said. But I couldn’t think of anything worse than bringing a child into the world who wasn’t wanted.
But I still love children. One of my oldest friends I met at uni, Kelly, is now happily married with a toddler, Jack.
I genuinely love spending time with her little family. We meet up for National Trust woodland walks, and we baked gingerbread over Christmas. We’ve never questioned each other’s choices.
I think being both bisexual and neurodivergent (I’m AuDHD) gives me a slightly different perspective on what “the family” is.
Being childfree, I love being able to act like a kid with my friends’ children! A lot of adults lose their joy as they get older, and it must be hard being a parent because you’re thinking about safety and care. But when I see Jack, I look like an oversized toddler.
What’s cooler than being the fun aunt figure who jumps in puddles with them? You get the best of both worlds: all the fun, none of the responsibility. Jade Ridout, 31, civil servant and artist, Winchester
‘I’ve left restaurants when friends have talked incessantly about their children’
I’m the youngest in a large family and had nephews and nieces around me from a young age. My brother is 18 years older than me, so when he had kids I became an auntie when I was six. I love them all, but it put me off having kids myself. I then travelled a lot, which prohibited me from settling down.
My family reacted quite badly as I’m quite maternal. They just couldn’t quite believe I’d made the decision to be childfree. My friends were OK with it but sometimes say I would’ve been a great mother, and ask why I didn’t do it.
I’m godmother to six children of different religions and 14 nephews and nieces who I spoil rotten. I’m involved in so many children’s lives I don’t feel I miss out on anything.
My experience of friends with children has mostly been positive but when people become parents, they can become insular – their child becomes their whole lives.
A few times I’ve just left restaurants when friends have talked incessantly about their children and don’t change the subject. I’ve asked to talk about something else, like a movie, but they’d say they’ve not seen a film recently because of their kids.
It can sometimes be difficult – I started to make friends with people of different ages who could talk about other things. Yasmin Latif, 56, teacher, London
‘Those of us without kids weren’t invited’
I was in my mid-20s when I decided to be childfree. My friends didn’t really get it. When one questioned why, I asked why he wanted kids. That’s just what you do, he said. That didn’t seem a good enough reason for me – it didn’t seem logical – making me something of an outsider.
I was good friends with my school mates for about 12 years afterwards. There are nine of us in total, male and female, but as some started families, those with children began to hang out more together at child-centred events like play dates and birthday parties. Those of us without kids weren’t invited.
I’m the only one in our group who decided not to have children. While we’re still in touch, sadly, as our lives diverged, so did our friendships. I’m happy they’re happy but (selfishly) it does suck for me a bit.
My advice would be to just expect and accept that relationships do fade as your lives change; it’s natural. Look for new activities, hobbies or groups with like-minded people. Geoff, 38, web designer, from London and now living in Melbourne
‘It’s really an honour to see friends grow’
I work as an environmental consultant, and with the planet’s state of affairs it’s a bit off-putting for me to bring a child into this world. And I’d prefer to avoid the stress and financial strain of raising another human for 18 years.
My family understands – my mum’s always urged me to live life for myself – although there are sometimes contentious conversations with potential romantic partners.
But honestly, I love being around my friends’ kids. They have such a great perspective on the world. I also love at the end of the day being able to hand them back.
I haven’t lost any friends, I just accepted that relationships change, because life changes.
A really good friend just had her first – her baby is adorable, and really intelligent – and it’s beautiful to see her growing through this as well, to see her changing and adapting to motherhood, seeing her flourish.
It’s hard at times, but amazing to see what she’s overcoming. It brings us closer as well; when we see each other it means a lot, and it’s real quality time.
Especially with long-term friendships that evolve over time, when your bond withstands that, it’s really an honour to see someone grow and develop – and become themselves. Jay Fletcher, 32, environmental consultant, Stirling
