5 hours ago
1
Name: Laundry.
Age: As old as clothes.
Appearance: Far too clean.
I don’t understand. Your clothes. They’re spotless. It’s gross.
But isn’t that sort of the point of laundry? Well, yes, if you’re going to be pedantic about it, then sure. But you know what I’m getting at.
Hand on heart, I do not. You’re putting your clothes through the laundry too often.
Am I? Almost certainly. Answer me this: how many times do you wear a pair of trousers before putting them in the washing machine?
OK, let me think … Let’s speed this up. Is the number less than 30?
Yes, of course! Then that’s laundering them too much. And I have science on my side to prove it.
I’m interested in hearing this. Well, OK, not science. But it’s what the French government’s ecology department says. Right, new question. How many times do you wear a T-shirt before washing it?
Once, usually. Disgusting! The French say you should wear it five times. Gym clothes?
They’re drenched with sweat afterwards, so obviously once. Wrong! The answer is three. You must wear your dirty gym clothes three times before washing them.
But why? There is a solid argument for all this. More laundry means more energy use, more water pollution and clothes that wear out faster. Washing your clothes a little bit less is a sustainable and conscientious way to live your life.
Well, good for the French. Wait a minute, I didn’t say the French liked this. In fact, the government diktat has caused something of an uproar, with conservative commentators saying that the department employs too many people and costs too much money. And besides, who should decide how often you wash your clothes: the pampered elite or the people themselves?
Wow, they’re very touchy about this. Of course. There’s a false and nasty centuries-old stereotype about the French not being particularly hygienic, which means this has hit something of a national nerve. It’d be the same if the UK government told its citizens to stop brushing their horrible teeth.
This is an outrage! Leave my manky teeth alone! See? And this is the fix the French find themselves in. On one hand, it’s a good thing to care about the environment, and rewearing clothes before washing is a sensible way to go about doing this. On the other hand, doesn’t the government have bigger fish to fry?
What a pickle. Exactly. Oh, one last question before I go. How often do you wear your underpants before washing them?
You can’t fool me again. Let’s say four. Four? Four? You’re supposed to wash your pants every day, you filthy animal. Get out!
Do say: “Wash your clothes less to help the environment.”
Don’t say: “Alternatively, go nude and save it for ever.”
