3 hours ago
1
There’s a stereotype about young men and sex. I see it play out across social media, and over wine-fuelled chats with my friends: that men only want one thing, that they all cheat and that, ultimately, they’re selfish in bed. It’s an idea that has been fuelled by the rise of toxic masculinity influencers such as Andrew Tate, who discuss sex as something they are “owed” and encourage other men to think similarly.
For the past eight years, I’ve worked at Cosmopolitan magazine, speaking to millennial and gen-Z women about their love lives, and I can’t deny that there is some truth to the stereotype. But when I decided to have candid (and at times incredibly awkward) conversations with men in their 20s about their sex lives, another story emerged: one of insecurity, hidden and misunderstood sexualities, and often a deeper need for connection.
I began by reaching out to friends and friends of friends, and begging anyone who followed me on social media to hook me up with young men (unsurprisingly, this was hard to do without coming across as incredibly creepy). I didn’t want to guide or influence their answers, but simply said they could share whatever they felt comfortable with in a voice note, in person or by text. The messages arrived quicker than I’d expected. Every morning, I’d wake up to WhatsApp notifications from random men with profile pictures that varied from images of dogs to topless gym selfies, each message long, detailed and candid.
Emboldened, I began seeking out men in real life. There was the afternoon I accosted an apprentice builder who came to fix my ceiling – he spoke very little English and, it turned out, after much hand signalling, was actually in his 40s. Then there were my attempts at speaking to strangers in bars, without it looking like a chat-up line. A few times I offered to buy men drinks in exchange for asking them a few questions, but worried that getting them drunk broke some sort of journalist ethical code.
In total, I spoke to 30 men (not all are quoted here) and found that, while all had different preferences and desires, there were a surprising number of common threads.
They aren’t as sex-obsessed as we imagine
Growing up, I was told that men think about sex every seven seconds and make all their decisions with the contents of their underwear. Lately, I’ve been finding the opposite to be true. It’s my female friends (in straight relationships) who want sex more than their partners (and, in some cases, are straying elsewhere), and I heard from multiple men that their partners’ libidos were much higher than theirs.
As for being sex-obsessed? Almost all (bar two) of the men I spoke to told me they were frustrated by this stereotype. Sex mattered to them, yes, but was it their main driving focus in life? No. “Sex is fun, but it’s not as rewarding as the other things in my life I enjoy,” said Gary, 29, a financier from London.
As for the every seven seconds thing? It was debunked in a 2014 study, with a team at Ohio State University finding that, on average, men had 19 thoughts about sex a day.
They want connection
When it comes to one-night stands, most of the men I spoke to had had them (and, on the whole, enjoyed them), but these encounters did not stand out as the very best sex of their lives. Yuba, a 24-year-old influencer from Cambridge, told me: “I’d slept around a bit before meeting my current girlfriend, and being with her has shown me how incredible sex is when we talk to each other.”
Felix, 29, an art teacher from Birmingham, said: “During casual sex, women have never asked me what I want or like. Bad sex is simply bad communication.”
But while connection was key to most of the men’s greatest sexual encounters, that connection didn’t have to be with a partner. It could also be found in a friends-with-benefits type scenario, or in casual sex situations when both parties felt happy to discuss what they wanted.
Alex, 29, a writer from London, said: “The best sex is when you get to know each other’s likes, not just banging and leaving.” Paul, a 21-year-old student from Blackpool, said: “I sleep with 10 to 15 men in a month. Sleeping with lots of people is sexy, but I don’t like hook-ups where you immediately start to have sex. I don’t want to be treated like a piece of meat.”
Sexual labels hold them back
From speaking to gay friends who use Grindr, I knew there were plenty of men with wives and girlfriends on the app, looking to hook up with other men. I’m told most of them are reluctant to label themselves, and this was echoed by the ones I spoke to.
Nick, 29, who works in advertising in Newcastle, has been having sex with both men and women for years, but said “laddy” banter stops him from telling his friends. “I don’t feel they’d get it. If I could, I’d explain it’s just sex, nothing more.” Edward, 24, an artist, found it hard to separate his own sexuality from stigma, having slept “multiple” times with men but never having a relationship with one. “I don’t know fully why that is but I prefer the care you get from women. The experiences with men have been more primal,” he said.
A 2018 study by Stonewall found that 30% of bi men feel they can’t be open about their sexuality with friends and family. Lee, 28, a barman and singer from Sheffield, said: “Male bisexuality just isn’t really spoken about.” He is out as bi and has faced prejudice. “People think that because I sleep with men, I’m just gay and haven’t come to terms with it.”
Many of those who had slept, or wanted to sleep, with other men didn’t want to label themselves as bi, seeing their sexuality as being on more of a spectrum. Fear of being incorrectly labelled held them back from experimenting. Simon, a 24-year-old teacher from Essex, told me: “If I was single, I’d try getting with a guy. I watch gay porn, but I wouldn’t want to mislead anyone. I’m basically straight but I’d like to try giving a blowjob.”
They feel under pressure to perform sex acts
From my work, and my friendships, I know how common it is for women to experience unwanted choking, slapping, gagging or spitting during sex (recent research found a third of British women under the age of 40 have been subjected to these), but I hadn’t, until writing this, been aware of similar experiences from the male point of view.
Ollie, 28, an artist from Surrey, said: “Men will go along with things we’re uncomfortable with. I’ve had women punching me; another tried to pee on me. It left me feeling used and scared.”
Joe, 24, from Manchester, said: “I’ve had women try to choke me, assuming I’d be into that, probably from porn. But I’ve probably also behaved in porny ways girls would have felt uncomfortable about.”
They don’t all want to cheat
Across my social media feeds there’s one consensus: all men are cheaters. There are online honey-trappers, and groups like Are We Dating the Same Guy? where women post the men they’re dating, often to find multiple others are, too.
I generally found that men fell into three camps: those who thought about it but had decided the risk wasn’t worth the reward (“I’ve got a nice setup going on, I wouldn’t want to ruin that,” said Matt, 25, a designer from Dundee); those who were adamantly against it; and those who accepted it was part of life and would like to try an open relationship.
They want to talk about it more
I worried that getting men to speak to me about their sex lives would be a struggle. In fact, I found that they really wanted to talk … because they hadn’t been given a chance to discuss what they like sexually, and why, before. The majority felt hemmed in by the stereotypes that follow men around: they felt that to be “good” or “masculine” when it comes to sex meant sleeping with lots of people, having a high libido and taking charge in the bedroom. Chris, a 27-year-old architect from Edinburgh, said: “I’ve always ended up in the more dominant role. I’m not sure I ever consciously chose that; I just fell into what was expected of me.”
Of course, there were men I spoke to who did match the stereotype but that was driven by a desire to discover themselves. Ellis, 28, a sound engineer from south Wales, told me: “I’ve had a year where I didn’t get any sex, but then I’ve also had times where I’m bouncing three or four girls at once. I’m currently in an open relationship and I’m seeing where it goes. I am open-minded but still feel sheltered about sex and I’m working out what I like.”
