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Name: Wild hogs.
Age: It’s been going on for months.
Appearance: Hog wild.
And by wild hogs, you mean … Ungovernable swine.
As in boorish, inconsiderate folk? No, these are actual rogue pigs, doing what rogue pigs do.
Which is what? Rootling up lawns, mostly.
Whereabouts? In and around the village of Garvestone, near Dereham, in Norfolk.
There are wild hogs roaming Norfolk? Not wild in the feral sense. They are thought to be from a nearby pig farm.
That seems less than ideal. The locals would agree. “We just want this to stop,” said Colin Williams, a Garvestone resident.
How many hogs are we talking about? The herd has about 100 pigs, but it’s only a rowdy subset that escapes, and goes about digging up people’s lawns.
You mean it’s always the same pigs? Hard to say. They don’t wear name tags.
Is there a farmer involved? Yes, Trevor Armiger. Villagers think he should be held responsible for the havoc his pigs have wreaked.
He should at least go and round them up. He does, but they just escape again, as they have done repeatedly since the summer. “What is the point of putting it all back if they’re just going to come back again?” says another villager, Gary Law.
What does Armiger say? He says he’s kept pigs for 40 years without incident until someone started cutting his fences deliberately in August.
A plot twist! Is there any evidence to support his version of events? His wife, Danielle, claims there is. “We’ve got proof of someone coming in and letting the pigs out,” she says, “but people around here aren’t listening to the whole story.”
I’m listening to the whole story! Well done for keeping an open mind.
It sounds like a mystery worthy of a tenacious local detective. Are the cops involved? Norfolk police confirmed that it received a report of criminal damage and investigated the fence cutting in January.
So who was it? A scheming land speculator? An environmental campaigner? Saboteurs trying to influence the results of a Norfolk Best Kept Village competition? “All lines of inquiry have been exhausted and the case has been closed,” said police.
That’s not the outcome I was hoping for. There are a few loose ends to be tied up, admittedly.
Loose ends? The plot is as untidy as a rootled Garvestone garden. The authorities, it must be said, are sty-mied.
Do say: “Someone from the local truffle hunting club was seen leaving the pub at midnight with wire cutters.”
Don’t say: “A well-rootled lawn can actually be very attractive.”
