You be the judge: my husband refuses to double-barrel our surnames. Should I take his last name?

2 hours ago 2

The prosecution: Annabelle

I don’t want to lose my identity. Plus, changing your name is a load of admin

I met Teddy on a dating app six years ago and we got married last year. He says he doesn’t want me to change my last name to his, but I can tell that he does really.

My name is part of my identity. It’s important that if I wanted to apply for other jobs within my industry, people would recognise my name. I’ve worked hard to build up my reputation. My husband has one of the most common surnames in the UK, so my name wouldn’t be as recognisable.

Also, changing your name is a load of admin. No one tells you this, but it takes a lot of time and money. I hadn’t thought about this before we married, and I doubt many men do either.

However, I would be happy to go double-barrelled, because I can see the benefits of us having a name in common – it would be nice to have that connection with our future children. But Teddy doesn’t want that because he says it’s a “posh” thing. I think our names mesh well together, but he doesn’t like the sound of it.

My mum was horrified at the prospect of me not taking Teddy’s surname. I still think it’s weird – it’s strange to see my married friends change their names on Instagram. I’m conflicted: I don’t want to lose who I am and my identity, but I don’t necessarily agree with us having different names either.

We’ve reached an impasse, because Teddy isn’t willing to make any changes himself. From a feminist standpoint, I want him to change his name to mine. Nearly everyone around me says that’s not right – but why isn’t it?

But I am slowly easing into it: I’ve changed my surname to Teddy’s on Instagram, but can’t bear the thought of changing it officially yet. Teddy’s mum changed her name twice when she got married: first she went double-barrelled, and then she dropped her surname and took her husband’s. Teddy said I could do that as a compromise, but that would be two lots of admin, which is a pain in the arse. I can’t see a way out of this.

The defence: Teddy

I’m easy with whatever Annabelle wants, but don’t want to change my name. It’s just not the done thing

I don’t mind if Annabelle keeps her surname and I keep mine, but if we have kids I’d like them to take mine, too.

Annabelle doesn’t want that. She thinks we should go double-barrelled, or that I should change my name to hers. I’m easy with whatever she wants to do, but I don’t want to change my own surname. That was never on the cards, and I can’t see it happening.

Besides, the double-barrelled thing sounds really posh to me, which I don’t like. I also don’t think our names go well together.

Annabelle disagrees, and thinks that double-barrelling is the best compromise, but I really don’t want that. I sympathise with her having to do all the admin, and I’d give her money to help pay for it all. She thanked me sarcastically when I suggested this, but I’m just trying to help.

I don’t mean to patronise her, but I can’t see myself ever changing my name to hers – it’s just not the done thing. I watched my mum go double-barrelled after marrying, but then she eventually took my dad’s name. I’d be fine for Annabelle to do this as I’m not in a rush for her to take my name straight away. I feel like that’s a good compromise, but Annabelle thinks it’s too much hassle.

Annabelle’s mum is on my side. She was disgusted that Annabelle didn’t want to take my name. I guess we are all quite traditional in that sense. I don’t have a reason for wanting it that way – it’s just how it’s always been. I won’t ever tell Annabelle what to do – at the moment we’re just letting it roll.

We have a fairly relaxed relationship overall and don’t really argue. We didn’t talk about this stuff before we got married, as I just assumed Annabelle would be happy with the status quo. I guess most men are, because it benefits us. But when you sit down and think about it, there’s no real reason for this tradition.

Saying that, though, I’m glad it exists because I want my name to be passed on through our children. Annabelle will probably come around. It’s just a matter of time.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Annabelle take Teddy’s surname?

Should she and Teddy have children biologically, she will be the one carrying them for nine months. Why shouldn’t they carry her name too? Annabelle is willing to compromise by double barrelling their surnames but Teddy expects his wife to lose hers.
Claire, 32

The assumption that a woman will take a man’s name is completely outdated. I’m glad I kept my own identity and surname when I got married. I would have been resentful if I hadn’t – and that’s no way to start a marriage.
Chrissie, 58

Teddy’s compromise is weak at best, as he won’t even consider changing his last name. Either way, the politics around changing last names is old-fashioned. Why not do something wild and pick a new last name they could both adopt?
Jason, 36

In southern Europe and South America it’s usual for a married couple to amalgamate their surnames. Not so in the UK, but women very commonly keep their maiden name for work – maybe this would be a good compromise for Annabelle and Teddy, too?
Michael, 64

Annabelle needs her original surname for her career. Either do nothing, which is her preferred option, or use her husband’s name for limited purposes (if they have children, then for school, for example). But otherwise, leave it alone.
Stephen, 57