You be the judge: My partner hates being around kids. Should he be more tolerant of them?

1 day ago 3

The prosecution: Alexis

I’m afraid our friends who have kids will ostracise us because of Peter’s attitude

My partner Peter and I have decided to be child-free since we got together nine years ago. We are both 36 and happy with our decision.

But recently, a lot of our mates have had kids and Peter is struggling with it. I don’t want a child, but I do like them, whereas Peter just doesn’t.

My reasons for not wanting children are to do with money, the climate crisis and not wanting to sacrifice my very nice life. But Peter just finds kids annoying and isn’t comfortable being around them. If there are kids playing on a train, he has to move carriages. His tolerance for child-created noise is very low.

In the past three years, three couples we’ve known for years have had children, but Peter doesn’t want them to bring their kids when we invite them over. I’ve told him that life doesn’t work like that.

Once, a friend had to bring their two-year-old to a child-free barbecue we’d organised because they couldn’t afford a babysitter. Peter later told me the child had “ruined the vibe”. He made it awkward and was noticeably annoyed whenever the child needed attention or interrupted the adult conversation. Our friend left early and we haven’t hung out with them since.

Peter can’t accept that his friends have to bring their kids along in some social settings now. If a friend can’t stick to a plan because something’s come up with their child, he won’t say much, but privately he is annoyed.

I don’t think he understands how hard it is for new parents. A couple we know who have a newborn cancelled dinner with us recently because they were too tired, and Peter was huffing about it to me. When our mates talk about pregnancy or childcare he gets very bored and tries to change the subject.

I’m worried he will ostracise us from our good friends because he can’t get on board with their new lifestyle. Peter is funny and jolly in other settings but with children there, he can’t relax. I think he needs to try harder.

The defence: Peter

I just want to have a child-free social life, and my friends who have kids should respect that

I don’t despise kids, I’d just rather not be around them. But it’s become harder recently because so many of our mates have had them. I want to spend time with them and not their babies. Alexis says I need to be more understanding but I have tried.

I’d never deliberately make anyone feel bad if they had no choice but to bring their kid along to something. But when we were hosting a barbecue and I said, “It’s a child-free night, guys,” I expected friends to respect my wishes. It’s like having a child-free wedding: you have to respect what the host wants.

When our friend had to bring their toddler I agreed reluctantly, but it was annoying because everyone else had sorted childcare and we’d given advance notice. Their toddler was a bit bratty so it ruined the evening because everything became about the child. No one could really let loose and then they had to leave early. I thought: well, that’s why we said no kids.

Alexis and I have never wanted kids and it’s worked out well for us so far. But she is a bit maternal, whereas I don’t have any paternal instincts.

Once children become teenagers it’s fine as I can talk to them and get to know them, but I’m awkward around babies and smaller children. I’ve always been that way.

Alexis thinks there has to be some deep-rooted reason for my dislike of kids, but there isn’t. I just want to live a child-free existence and minimise my time around noisy babies.

My sister has two girls and I love my nieces. They’re teenagers now but my tolerance was just as low for them when they were young. I hate the disruption kids cause to adult socialising and I don’t have the patience to entertain them.

I think parents are amazing. They are selfless and have so much energy and love, but it’s not for me.

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Alexis says I need to work on my tolerance so we don’t lose all our mates, but it’s hard. Perhaps I need to get better at disguising my lack of interest in their kids.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Peter get down with the kids?

Peter agreed, albeit reluctantly, to the toddler coming along, so should not have been put out when it behaved like a toddler. However, your friends were rude to insist on bringing their child to a child-free event. If they can’t afford a babysitter, they can’t afford to go out.
Pauline, 65

Peter needs to find a way to enjoy spending time with his friends and their families or those friendships may wither away. He needs to understand that their children are much more important to them than he is, and he risks losing those friends if he can’t accept that.
Adam, 41

I understand that Peter finds it difficult to relate to small children and wants to keep them out of earshot, but they are an inescapable part of life, including his relationship with his friends.
Clive, 72

Children aren’t annoying on purpose: they can’t control themselves. Peter is a grown man, so he should be able to pull himself together. It sounds like he is being cruel to his friends’ children.
Ellen, 39

It’s irritating when people can’t stop banging on about their children – but maybe try explaining to your friends that you find baby chat dull. And then just ride it out. Your friends will all be desperate to drink and barbecue with you once the novelty of baby love has worn off and their kids turn five or six.
Anita, 45