You be the judge: should my partner stop hogging my side of the bed?

3 hours ago 3

The prosecution: Pádraig

I sleep better on the left side of the bed. I shouldn’t have to swap just because we’ve moved to a new flat

My partner Dave and I are two stubborn boys who both adore a great night’s sleep. But we cannot settle a disagreement about which side of the bed belongs to whom. We’ve recently moved into a new flat and the orientation of our room and bed has shifted. Now, the side of the bed I assumed was mine has become Dave’s.

We lived in our old flat for three and a half years. We slept like kings there: a humongous bed and individual duvets, which our Swedish friend had recommended for a good night’s sleep. I was on the left side (if you were standing at the foot of the bed facing it). I felt well rested and got into a great sleep routine.

Due to the orientation of our new bedroom, Dave wants to be furthest from the door, so I’m now sleeping on the right side and he is on the left. He thinks the sides we sleep on should be interchangeable, depending on where the door is, but I say the left side is mine, no matter what. So I’ve been forced to sleep on what I deem to be the wrong side for the last few months. I find it challenging to fall asleep and can’t get used to it.

I commute further to work and get up before Dave, so he thinks I should be closer to the door so I don’t disrupt him. I pack all my stuff the night before and leave it outside the room to avoid waking him up, so I don’t feel it makes much difference.

I’m a sensitive sleeper and it’s a big thing to retrain yourself to sleep on a different side of the bed. I slept so well before. Now I’m tossing and turning, trying to sleep on a side of my body that feels unnatural. In the night, Dave and I move closer and closer to our old sides and bump into each other in the middle. My sleep is disturbed. I want to swap back.

Every time we go on holiday or sleep somewhere else for the night, we repeat this battle, depending on how the room is laid out. We are in between places at the moment and I don’t know what will happen when we move again. I want an opportunity to get my side back.

The defence: Dave

Pádraig gets up early for work – if we switched sides, he’d wake me up at 4am every morning

Pádraig views the left-hand side of the bed as his, and the right-hand side as mine, but that’s not how life works. He says the side of the bed is absolute, like the left or right in a car, but I view the two sides of the bed as relative to where they sit in the room, and who wants to be closest to the door or window, not the actual side of a bed, because of course all rooms are different.

We lived in one place for three and a half years and another place for two years before that; when we moved out of the first place, I said: “We need to flip sides – it isn’t working logistically.” We had a big argument about it then because I wasn’t happy. Pádraig is over 6ft tall and I’m fairly wide, so in the past, when we had a double bed, we argued. In our current place, we have a king bed but the room orientation has shifted.

Pádraig tosses and turns all night, which is annoying, as it wakes me up. He gets up at 4am for work, so if he’s moving around the room, it’s disruptive to my sleep. But he also gets home late after a big night out, sometimes at 5am. I don’t mind, except for when it wakes me up. I like to stay on the side furthest from the door for this reason.

I disagree that we argue about this on holiday. To me, it doesn’t matter as much when we’re away. But right now, everything about our sleep is becoming an issue. We have a fan on all night and both of us move around a lot. I think Pádraig could learn to sleep on this new side, but I can’t learn to sleep through his noise in the mornings.

It’s been suggested that we move the bed in our room: it is now opposite the door, against the wall where the window is. My side is closest to that window, which used to be Pádraig’s old side. But if we moved the bed to suit him, it would be bad feng shui as the door would be too close to the bed. I believe there are other considerations around sleeping, beyond just: “I like being on the left or right.” Pádraig needs to adjust.
Names have been changed

The jury of Guardian readers

Dave should show Pádraig more consideration as he gets up at 4am (Dave, count yourself lucky you don’t have to), but I don’t think he needs to be nearest the door, as long as he exits the room quietly. Has Dave tried earplugs? Whatever happens, I hope they can put this argument to bed.
Toby, 36

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I’m sympathetic to both sides, but Dave’s insistence that “Pádraig needs to adjust”, while being totally unwilling to try other solutions puts him on the wrong side of this argument. Everyone needs to feel comfortable when they’re sleeping, so changing the position of the bed seems like the only fair compromise.
Sarah, 40

It’s the same mattress and bed as before, so the couple should keep the sides from prior sleeping arrangements. If the only complaint from Dave is the disturbance from the morning routine, then Pádraig can work on adjusting it.
Angela, 44

It is the BED that chooses the sides for us, not us who choose the sides. Dave, ignores this at his peril. Respect your bed and you will be given intimacy, harmony and rest. This also means not barrelling in at 5am after a night out – then you’re on the sofa, Pádraig.
Simon, 48

Sorry Dave, that is how life works! Throughout life’s challenges and living arrangements, you find comfort and constancy in your life partner – and the side of the bed that feels most like home to you. Window and door position have less bearing on this, in my opinion.
Siu, 32