3 hours ago
5
Name: Zebra striping.
Age: The name is new, but the behaviour is old.
Appearance: The sensible way to drink.
I’ve been drinking like a zebra for years. Really? How?
Lapping up booze nervously with my tongue, in case a crocodile jumps out and eats me. Oh, then no, this isn’t what zebra-striping is at all. But congratulations on remaining uneaten.
What is it, then? It’s the practice of alternating between alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks when you are out.
What’s the point of that? It reduces your alcohol intake by half, obviously. We are fast approaching the Christmas party season and, frankly, it seems rather sensible.
Frankly, it seems rather boring. Tell that to the 25% of people in Britain who apparently zebra stripe on a regular basis. Or the 78% of 18- to 24-year-olds in the UK who say they combine alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks.
Seriously, 78%!? This is not British behaviour at all. No, you’re right. People should be more like you and get so spectacularly drunk at Christmas work functions that they annoy people, insult their superiors, then shuffle through the next year with their professional reputation in tatters.
That’s right. Weyyyy! Also, it is worth pointing out that zebra striping saves money. These days six pints won’t get you much change from £30, but trading half of them for a lime and soda will mean you’ll be able to buy food and pay your fuel bills.
Won’t this kill the pub trade? Probably not. More people will go to pubs if they know one visit won’t wipe out their entire disposable income for the month. Plus, presumably the pubs will save a lot on detergent and vomit mops.
When do I get to call zebra striping woke? If you don’t like it, maybe I can suggest a different way to moderate your alcohol intake. You could try “going low”, which involves choosing drinks with low ABV all night.
No. Boring. Or what about “bookending”, where you start and finish the night with a non-alcoholic drink?
That’s just zebra striping by another name. It’s a white horse with a black head and a black tail. Sure, but it’s healthier, cheaper and less likely to result in an HR investigation than unmitigated boozing.
Fine, maybe I’ll give it a go. That’s the spirit. By which I mean that’s the pint of tap water that will get you judged by the bartender and shunned by all your drunk colleagues.
Do say: “Zebra striping is the easiest way to survive the work Christmas party.”
Don’t say: “You could achieve a similar effect by not going.”
