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My family members are incredible gift-givers. Every birthday and holiday, they manage to select exactly what the recipient wanted – or didn’t know they wanted.
I didn’t inherit this gene.
Inevitably, I wait until the last minute, panic and buy something totally random. My parents’ closets (and, I assume, trash cans) are full of my misguided offerings: a Lego orchid, hair masks, a woodworking kit.
But I yearn to be a good gift giver. I want to make my friends and family feel seen, appreciated, and also impressed by how thoughtful and wonderful I am.
Many people struggle because holidays are marketed as a time for giving, and the idea that consumption leads to happiness, says Emma Seppälä, psychologist and lecturer in management at Yale University. But research shows that getting, say, a new iPad, only leads to a short burst of dopamine, the brain’s so-called “feelgood” chemical. “It doesn’t lead to the lasting happiness anyone’s looking for,” Seppälä says.
This constant consumption also has serious environmental and ethical consequences. Lots of presents end up being “more plastic crap that’s going to go in a landfill,” Seppälä says.
Here’s how to find gifts that will please your loved ones and stay out of the trash.
Why do people exchange gifts?
Gift giving is “likely to be as old as humanity itself”, according to historical preservation charity English Heritage.
In the earliest human groups, gifts were a way to “ensure mutual well-being and growth,” and to “build friendship and connections,” writes Dr Alan Fowler, honorary professor of African philanthropy at the University of Witswatersrand in South Africa. It also helped create “loyalty and respect” in relationships, and could serve to “prevent what might otherwise be hostile relationships”, he explains. Think of the Real Housewives bringing their nemeses along on expensive trips in a supposed attempt to heal the rifts between them.
An equally powerful practice soon followed: judging gifts and their giver.
In ancient Rome, choosing the right gift was important. Per English Heritage, “token gifts of low value were a measure of the high esteem you had for a friend,” whereas expensive gifts “were a sign you were trying too hard.”
With such a fraught history, it’s no wonder choosing the right gift can feel difficult. A good gift “can reflect love, gratitude or shared memories,” while a bad one can “create stress or obligations for both the giver and the receiver,” writes associate professor of marketing Dr Alisa Minina Jeunemaitre.
How do you choose the right gift for someone?
“Good gifting really comes down to paying attention,” says Oluwakemi Ajibare, personal stylist and founder of StyledByKemi.
People often drop small hints without realizing it, she says. Are there certain colors they gravitate to, or a need they’ve mentioned more than once? “The most thoughtful gifts come from listening,” Ajibare says.
For example, Ajibare says her favorite gift she ever received was a year-long subscription to one of her favorite fashion magazines from one of her friends. “It wasn’t expensive or extravagant, but it was so thoughtful,” Ajibare says. “She remembered something I genuinely enjoyed.”
Similarly, Eleonora Maso, founder of a gift consultancy service, says the secret to finding a good gift is to “stop thinking about the gift, and start thinking about the person.” Maso considers four elements when planning a gift:
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What do people talk about when they’re not trying to impress you? What are their genuine interests, passions and concerns?
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Notice their lifestyle, Maso says: “How they live, what they value, where they unwind.”
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Choose something that “reflects their world, not yours”. Did I want a Lego orchid? Yes. Did my father? No.
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Add a touch of the unexpected. “The best gifts always have a little, ‘I didn’t know I needed this, but it’s so me!’ moment,” Maso says.
What are the most common mistakes when choosing a gift?
Experts agree we often choose gifts based on what we think is cool rather than what the intended recipient might want.
“It’s easy to default to what we like, but that’s how people end up with random items they’ll never use,” says Ajibare.
We are even more likely to do this when we wait until the last minute instead of planning ahead. That’s when people “grab something convenient instead of something meaningful”, Ajibare says.
Another common mistake is confusing an expensive gift with an impressive one, says Maso. “A costly gift given without intention feels like a transaction,” she says. “A simple gift chosen with precision feels like affection.”
How do you give gifts more responsibly?
As Seppälä notes, there are far more serious consequences to wasteful gifting-giving than a disappointed loved one. According to the US Environmental Protection Agency, the amount of household garbage produced in the United States increases 25% between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Americans also throw away an estimated 2.6bn lbs of wrapping paper every year.
There’s a human cost too. “As demand for products skyrockets, pressure builds for factory workers worldwide,” the UK’s Big Issue magazine reported in 2024, adding that many of these workers face poor pay, abuse and dangerous working conditions.
One can try to shop ethically, Seppälä says. She recommends browsing sites that feature vintage or independent makers, like Etsy, or shopping locally. You can also look for fair trade products, though she acknowledges this system is far from perfect.
Don’t let “perfect” be the enemy of “good”. “Just do your best,” Seppälä says.
Finally, have conversations with loved ones about what you all really want.
“Connect on values,” she says. If the value of gift exchanges is that they bring people together, consider planning a trip instead. Or if you want to bring one another joy, consider what will actually accomplish that.
Research has shown that “happiness does not come from ‘stuff’,” Seppälä says. What leads to lasting contentment are things like service, meditation and time in nature – a hike or a subscription to a meditation app could make someone happier for longer than another turtleneck.
But if all someone really wants is another turtleneck? “What are you going to do?” Seppälä says.
