3 hours ago
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My boyfriend and I moved in together last April. To be more precise, my boyfriend, my dog and I moved in together. Cleo and I had already spent seven years living together, supporting each other through several cross-country moves, napping together and cuddling when one of us felt sad. Cleo loves my boyfriend very much, but ultimately she is mine and I am hers.
Then, in January, we got a cat named Blue. She’s beautiful, loving, hilarious and perfect in every way. But suddenly, my boyfriend and I were on the same level – the cat had no prior allegiance to either of us. A few weeks after we got her, I voiced my concern. “I think she likes you better,” I said sadly as Blue busily kneaded his thigh. “Really? I was thinking she likes you more,” he said, also kind of sad.
I needed to know for sure, so I consulted professionals.
“Cats have individual preferences, just like people,” says Kristiina Wilson, a clinical animal behaviorist specializing in felines.
The signs that a cat likes you are fairly obvious, Wilson says: nudging you with their head, sleeping on or near you, greeting you when you come home and kneading you with their paws – an act often referred to as “making biscuits”.
Kneading is “a really, really big” sign a cat likes you, because it’s a self-soothing behavior. “That indicates that they view you as someone who is close and comforting to them,” Wilson says.
Blue does all of these things with both of us. We call her our “busy baker” because of how much time she spends making biscuits on our legs, stomachs and – on a few unpleasant mornings – faces. Neither of us can sit still for more than a few minutes before she comes and curls up on one of our laps.
Fine, she likes both of us! But how could we tell if she liked one of us more?
The signs that a cat prefers one partner to another “can range from subtle to serious”, says LeeAnna Buis, a certified feline training and behavior consultant for Feline Behavior Solutions. If the cat tends to follow one person around the house more, and go to them for cuddling, petting or playing, that’s probably their preferred partner. In more serious cases, where one partner really doesn’t like cats or is mean to them, the cat may hiss, hide from or avoid that person.
Hm. That didn’t clear up anything. Blue divides her time between us so evenly you would think she’s subject to a shared custody agreement. She has never hissed at either of us, and far from hiding from or avoiding us, it seems to frustrate her that we are all forced to exist in separate bodies.
A cat might prefer one partner to another for any number of reasons, depending on the cat’s individual personality. “Cats have as many preferences as we do,” says Buis. This could be everything from the way one partner interacts with them, or the way that partner carries themselves. “One partner may start their evening relaxation time at the same time the cat likes to wind down, making them a better choice for cuddling,” she says. Other cats may prefer a more active partner who plays with them more.
A cat’s primary sense is not their vision, but their hearing, says Wilson, so if one partner is extremely loud, that might turn them off. “I think that’s a reason why a lot of cats are not in love with small children,” she explains.
When a cat does seem to prefer one partner, the other can always work to strengthen their bond with the animal. Buis and Wilson suggest spending more time with them, playing with them, being the one to feed them and rewarding them with high-value treats. Also, pay attention to your cat and what seems to make them happiest – rather than treats, it might be playtime, pets or compliments.
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“One of our cats is named Kevin, and he loves to hear ‘Good job, Kevin’ more than anything else,” says Wilson.
Some readers will understand my burning curiosity perfectly. Others may be wondering, “Why would a person even care if their pet prefers their partner? Don’t they have better things to worry about?” To answer the first part of that question, I turned to a mental health professional.
Jealousy about a pet preferring a partner is “definitely something I’ve encountered”, says Kelly Scott, a psychotherapist and licensed mental counselor in New York City. She adds, however, that “virtually 100% of the time it is representative of something else”.
She recalls one couple in which a dog’s fondness for one partner reinforced the other partner’s feelings of “not being chosen in other ways that had nothing to do with the pet”. This dynamic was painful and unresolvable, “because they were trying to resolve a problem through their pet that wasn’t really about their pet”.
Still, Scott says that having feelings about our relationships with pets is normal. “Objectively, it feels shitty to come home at the same time as your partner, and your dog runs to one of you and ignores the other,” she says.
Am I worried that if Blue loves my boyfriend more, it is a sign that I am fundamentally unlovable and will eventually be abandoned by everyone I care about? Haha, what a wild suggestion! Luckily, I don’t need to reflect on that because, according to my research, Blue seems to like us both the same.
