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What is the key to a good relationship?
For some couples, it’s important to share hobbies. Others say having individual interests is imperative. I’ve read that couples who sleep in separate beds are the happiest and I’ve also read that sleeping in separate beds is the death knell of romance. When I got engaged, I asked my parents – who have been married for 40 years – what advice they had for me, and my mother offered: “Contribute as much as you can to your retirement accounts.” OK!
Ultimately, every couple (or throuple!) is different – what works for some might not work for others. Still, we can always learn from each other. For Valentine’s Day, we asked Guardian readers to share their best relationship advice.
Make life easier for each other
Many years ago, I came across George Eliot’s famous quote: “What do we live for if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?” Since then, I have never treated my relationships the same.
I struggle with depression, which can make maintaining balance in a relationship extremely difficult. But if I can say to myself at the end of the day that I have done one thing – just one little thing – to make his life better, then I feel as if I haven’t failed the day entirely.
– Brandi, North Carolina
Lower your expectations
High expectations for a partner can create conflict and disappointment. Learn to appreciate what you have, even if it’s not exactly what you want. This is an opportunity to expand your mind and your capacity for love. (Obviously, there are limits. You don’t need to accept abuse of any kind.)
– Tim, retired, New York
Laugh together often
I met my wife in high school and fell in love with her instantly because she made me laugh. Over the past 20 years, we have grown and changed, but we are always laughing. During the hardest times of my life, making time to laugh together eased the pain. When my relationship with my father fell apart, my wife and I had just closed on our first home. She suggested we get naked and rub our butts on the walls since the house was ours now. We giggled and ran all over the house, even though I’d been crying not 10 minutes before. Laughter has saved our lives and made our marriage one of joy.
– Ollie, 35, Colorado
Remember you’re different – not better or worse
I’ve found that my long term relationships (friends and romances) work best when we recognize that we were all raised differently and our families did things differently and adjust accordingly.
– Anonymous, Illinois
Learn how to have uncomfortable conversations
For years, I thought my husband and I were soulmates because of how great we got along. We never fought, never argued, agreed on the important things and had a friendly and cordial relationship. What I didn’t realize was that neither of us had learned how to express our needs, especially if that need had the potential to be upsetting.
One day last year, he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. It caught me completely off guard. He could not tell me why. Looking back, I wish that we had prioritized learning to feel safe enough to speak up and sit in discomfort with each other.
– Christine, 44, Colorado
Love, honor, cherish, accommodate
My wife of 36 years and I are opposites in just about every way. We talked about why, despite our differences, we were so happy together. We realized it boiled down to those four words.
– Paul, Florida
Remember why you’re together
Never forget what brought you together. No matter how large the irritation of the moment may seem, it’s unlikely to outweigh the reason you fell in love in the first place.
– Cliff, 72, Illinois
It doesn’t always work out – and that’s fine
We may all want the fairytale romance, but life rarely works out like that. Love is good and positive, but not everyone you love will reciprocate, nor will everyone you love share your values or treat you properly. It can be hard, but there are worse things than being single.
– Seth, 40, Wyoming
Learn to listen
Seek to understand more than to be understood.
– Anonymous, California
Be honest
Even white lies cause questions and uncertainty to the person being lied to. This will undermine your relationship, and cause doubt and insecurity. Don’t embark on a relationship where lying is the norm.
– Anonymous, the UK
Like the person you’re in love with …
If you were stuck on an island, would this be the person you would want to be with? My other half is my favorite person in the whole world. He still surprises me with the things he knows and shares, and I know that I surprise him too. We have big talks about us and our relationship, usually at 2.00 in the morning. If I was in a lifeboat, I’d want him there besides me.
It also helps if you still fancy each other rotten.
– Anonymous, the UK
… and be friends with them
When dating, take the time to get to know someone as a friend. Do you enjoy each other’s company? Do you have some common interests? Do you have compatible moral and political ideas? Is your date nice to waiters? If you can answer yes to all of these, then you have the chance for a long and happy relationship. If not, then it is far better to stop sooner rather than later.
– Anonymous, the UK
Love ebbs and flows. Like lasts. Love has you make stupid decisions. You need to be friends with each other.
– Anonymous, Australia
Give them room to grow
The person you marry at 23-24 will not be that same person at 33-34. If you try to hold them back or make them after your image, the relationship is doomed.
– Jack, 68, Ohio
Have a short memory
No sense holding grudges for past mistakes.
– Tony, 79, Georgia
Let them be right
Allow your partner to do it their way even though you’re convinced it’s the wrong way. Control just doesn’t work. It shrinks the relationship. How can it be shared love when one person is dominating?
– Philip, the UK
Partner with someone competent
Don’t do everything for them – you’ll resent and regret it later.
– Erin, 42, Australia
