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It’s the end of another year, which means a deluge of dire looks back on the various atrocities of the last go around the sun. As is my duty, I have to add to the pile. But does it all have to be quite so sad? Do we have to dutifully trawl through the muck to find some elusive meaning to what we’ve been forced to endure? Unfortunately, yes. It was a tough year (again) and we met it all with a shrug. As we’ve all been made punishingly aware, Dictionary.com’s word of 2025 is “6-7,” a viral meme slogan which is technically two words. Pretty cheeky of the Dictionary to cheat on their own assignment.
How tragically emblematic of the year we just witnessed. We’re all too apathetic to even complain about getting swindled by a gaggle of word snobs. “Apathy” would have been a better choice for word of the year, considering how we’ve collectively shrugged at every dispiriting development of the last 12 months. Nicki Minaj popped up at the Turning Point USA conference to kiki with Erika Kirk and the most I could muster was “I guess she’ll do a concert at the Trump-Kennedy Center soon.”
The year started with the back-to-back monstrosities of the Los Angeles wildfires and the second presidential inauguration of Donald Trump. I’d say it was all downhill from there, but we’ve already rolled down, hit every tree on the way, and ended up getting mauled by a pack of hungry grizzly bears.
Protests against ICE grew, and there was another massive No Kings event in October, but most of the year was met with groaning resignation. We act as though we just have to wait out the clock on this accursed era, like the world’s worst NBA team hopelessly tossing up three-pointers while down by 50.
Eventually, getting dunked on by LeBron James becomes tiresome. But what if, at the bottom of the restaurant dumpster that is life on Earth, there’s an unopened tin of caviar? Plus, a box of blinis, some creme fraiche, a bottle of ice cold champagne and also a lovely silver spoon. And a copy of Architectural Digest.
The most luxurious indulgence imaginable is being able to fixate on people and events that actually don’t matter. Back in the old days, a series of stupid things would happen during the year and we’d all have a laugh about it. Remember the Macarena? That was great. 2025 didn’t launch a dance craze on par with yuppies swiveling their hips like a broken car radio antenna in a windstorm, but we were blessed with just enough inanity to get us through a cursed year.
Let’s start with Labubus. Doesn’t that sound nice? Little furry gremlin dolls that people who are bad with money decided to hoard like toilet paper during a mass quarantine. These dolls were everywhere, dangling from women’s purses and grinning up at us as though they pilfered the entire contents of the cash register at a Cinnabon. Labubus seemed to be the only ones smiling through 2025. Maybe they know 2026 is going to be worse.
Sydney Sweeney sparked a good old-fashioned internet outrage cycle over an ad for American Eagle jeans that was only offensive if you were hoping to be offended. A pun about “genes” and “jeans” only seems like a nod to eugenics if you specifically cast an attractive blonde lady for the ad. If I had been the spokesperson, people would have had a hearty laugh over it. “Good genes? He can barely fit into his pants!” Honestly, I chuckled at the ad anyway. Mostly because someone actually thought it was a good idea.
Speaking of internet outrage, Andy Byron, a tech CEO, and his head of human resources, Kristin Cabot, were caught on the kiss cam at a Coldplay concert. Cabot has subsequently gone on a press tour to convince maniacs to stop threatening her life. She claims her and Byron had not been engaged in an affair prior to the explosion of #coldplaygate. I, for one, believe her. I’m constantly finding myself being held tenderly by my colleagues while Chris Martin warbles “Adventure of a Lifetime.”
Everyone was eating Dubai chocolate, an expensive candy bar filled with pistachio cream so brightly green that it looks like it was injected with actual money. I didn’t buy one because I’m still saving my money for a Labubu.
You know who can afford all the expensive chocolate and nightmare dolls they want? The thieves who robbed the Louvre of $102m worth of jewels. It took them less than seven minutes to swipe the treasures, which is the fastest anyone has made that amount of money outside of a crypto casino.
But the most “important” story of 2025 was the engagement of Taylor Swift and football hunk Travis Kelce, an event stage managed to both drive listeners to Kelce’s podcast and hard launch Swift’s latest album cycle. The obviousness of the scheme was hard to ignore, though I don’t begrudge them the opportunity to leverage their romance for personal gain. I think we all would, if given the chance. I’d let American Eagle sponsor my wedding if they asked. “Dave Schilling does not have good genes, but he does have a delightful buffet for his guests to enjoy.”
May we all be blessed with the honor of being walking sponsored content in 2026. We’re going to need the extra cash once our health care premiums go up in a week.
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Dave Schilling is a Los Angeles-based writer and humorist
