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By 2030, 45% of prime working age women in the US, defined as women aged between 25 and 44, will be single according to Census Bureau historical data and Morgan Stanley forecasts – the largest share in history.
Hundreds of those women, from across the US, shared with the Guardian why they were single, how they felt about it and what they would be looking for in a future partner if they were still in the market for one.
“I hated being single after my last relationship broke down,” said Sarah, 43, a sales representative from California. “I miss having someone to cook for, to share things with. But now, my motto is: ‘My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if your presence is sweeter than my solitude.’”
Many of the responses were surprisingly similar. The most frequently listed qualities women said they were looking for in a partner were kindness and emotional intelligence, mental and physical health, shared values, ambition and being “hardworking”, financial stability, masculinity and maturity, and a willingness to commit to an equal, monogamous relationship as well as, in many cases, having a family.
One of the phrases respondents used the most was that they were looking for a partner capable of “adding to” or “enhancing” their life – as in, someone who was entirely self-sufficient and capable of adding romance, children or a unique intellectual connection to their lives. A large number of women complained about past suitors who had been “lacking effort” or “unable to keep up”.
Babet, 32, a beautician from New York City, echoed hundreds of other respondents across ages and socioeconomic backgrounds.
“I would love to have a partner, but it seems like the men are super low effort,” she said. “Not responding on dating apps, not effectively communicating, not wanting to plan dates. A lot of men seem to actively make life for women worse instead of better … No matter what women say they look for in a relationship, it is completely ignored by men.”
Kellie, 43, from Georgia, joined the substantial number of respondents who felt that social media narratives had made dating toxic and pitted men against women.
“I wish I could have met my person before the stupid gender wars, social media and red pill rhetoric that has ruined people’s view of dating and marriage,” she said.
Scores of women said that nobody available they had encountered met what they considered “basic requirements”.
“I’m looking for a man who … has goals and ambition, is intelligent, trustworthy, a provider, supportive, considerate, kind, assertive, masculine, honest, faithful, intentional, has a healthy self-esteem and a sense of humour, loves to go out, and likes fitness. These basic qualities are hard to find these days,” she said.
Although many women said they found being single “lonely”, they also typically said that they would not consider anyone who did not tick these or similar boxes.
Katie, 37, a biotechnology product manager from Wisconsin, said she had felt unable to look for a new partner since her last breakup in 2021.
A partner should ideally have “a robust social life, a focus on holistic health, compassionate and forthright communication skills, and functional independence”, she said.
“I’m happy to compromise on things. The bar is extremely low, and yet it’s rarely cleared.”
Hundreds reported struggling to find a partner with shared values, political views and interests, and a similar education level, with many pointing to a deepening mismatch between men and women in these areas.
Danielle, 29, a public relations professional from Tennessee, said her future partner would need to be “kind, thoughtful, emotionally available, considerate, reliable, and responsible”, but also “college educated”.
“I’m very disheartened by the shortage of quality men,” she added. “Men my age are less educated, their social skills are abysmal, and now they’re running into the arms of Trump and ‘incel’ forums.”
Laura, in her 40s, from San Francisco, said she had been single for the better part of a decade since her divorce despite having used many dating apps and having attended been dozens of single events.
“There’s an imbalance between education levels now in the US. Many men don’t want to date someone who’s more educated or makes more money than them. There’s also the Peter Pan syndrome: a lot of men here don’t seem to want to grow up and take on the responsibilities of adulthood or a committed partnership,” she said.
Although almost all women who were looking for a partner did not cite standout levels of professional or financial success as a priority, financial self-sufficiency was crucial for many. Various women stressed that they were searching for a socioeconomic equal.
Kelly Wallace, 48, a consultant from Portland, said: “I’m a self-employed high earner. I’m working on a memoir, own rental property and have struggled with finding someone who is like me: creative and high earning. I don’t drink or smoke and I don’t want a partner who does either.”
While most women elaborated on their experience of being single in a social sense, some explained why they were legally single despite wanting to be married to their current partner.
Susan, 40, a social worker from Ohio, said that her long-term boyfriend’s economic situation had become a permanent obstacle for marriage.
“He wants to be working full-time with a decent wage before getting married and having a family. He hasn’t [managed that], so we haven’t moved to the next step. I’m still hoping marriage will happen, but have mostly given up on anything changing.
“The idea of breaking up and trying to find someone else seems pretty hopeless at this age, so I’ve basically resigned myself to never having kids.”
Some respondents reported feeling so disheartened by the world of dating that they had given up actively looking for a partner despite still wanting one, among them Raina, a 41-year-old doctor from Washington state.
“My experience on dating apps over the last few years has been dismal,” she said.
Like many others, Raina cited men who had not actively “worked” on their mental health as a main hurdle in her search for a partner.
“I find most men my age have a lot of baggage and they’re not actively working to process their traumas,” she said. “It feels like taking on a partner would be like taking on another job – someone to care for physically and emotionally – when men can’t seem to offer the same to me in return.”
She felt “devastated” about being single “most of the time”, she added, and felt, like dozens of other women, that she was being punished for her professional and emotional progress.
“I feel like my career and ambition have diminished my dating pool,” she said.
Kristina, 32, a mental health therapist from Chicago, said she had withdrawn from active dating after she had been dumped by someone who did not want to commit.
Although Kristina reported feeling overall very happy being single, she did have concerns about her ability to have children.
“Women are freer than ever to make their own lives outside of the confines of romantic relationships, but the ‘biological clock’ thing weighs heavily on my mind.”
Christal Sharp, 39, a self-employed art teacher and wedding photographer from Oregon, was among many women who said drinking, drug use and other addictions among men, especially to porn, were a major factor in why they could not find a worthy partner.
“I tried internet dating after my divorce and … I only met men who were emotionally immature, wanted [someone] to take care of them or had major addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling, video gaming and porn. Most guys were just looking for a woman to sleep with, not grow with.”
While many respondents said they would like to have a partner, others prioritised their careers, families and personal interests. In many such cases, the financial independence these women enjoyed appeared to substantially contribute to this mindset.
“I am 35, a homeowner, have a decent income and one older child,” said Lauryn, from Connecticut.
Although she would love to meet “someone hardworking, honest and loyal”, she was “very comfortable being alone”, she said.
Randi, 33, a government policy analyst from Chicago, said she had stopped dating entirely.
“I’m not looking for a partner because … it’s not that important to me,” she said. “I let go of the notion that a long-term relationship is an accomplishment I must fulfil to be successful.
“I can afford my living expenses while saving for retirement. I have considered becoming a single mother via fostering or adoption. I’d rather commit to raising a child alone than go through the efforts of dating and finding a suitable partner.”
While some women reported feeling happy that they could afford being single thanks to their decent incomes, others said that the financial cost of being single was the main drawback of not settling down with a partner.
“I find dating to be more trouble than it’s worth. The one thing is that being single is very expensive,” said Nicole, 42, a high school teacher from Portland, Oregon. “The US seems designed for couples and families. Rent keeps going up, other costs are as well. It would just be nice to share the burdens with another person.”
Various respondents made clear that they had no intentions to couple up.
“I’m single by choice because dating nowadays is a waste of time,” said Valerie Gregorio, a 27-year-old from Maryland.
“I’m not looking for anyone, I value my freedom and independence too much. I still live with my family because everything is too expensive and I want to save as much money as possible, especially since I’m not making six figures currently.
“I’m ready to accept being single for the rest of my life.”
