2 hours ago
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As New Year’s Eve looms, I implore you to heed this party etiquette advice. There are only two correct times to decline a party invitation: well in advance or not at all. The last thing any stressed-out host wants to receive, in the moments before their big event begins, is a sudden flood of 11th-hour RSVPs from guests announcing that they’re not coming. And yet, as anyone who regularly organises large parties in Britain knows, that’s exactly what they tend to be sent. It needs to stop.
Having an invitation turned down in advance stings a little, but it is genuinely helpful. It provides a sense of potential turnout to help gauge catering and expectations. A decline on the day, however, is infuriatingly useless. Food and booze will already long since have been ordered, and it’s way too late to invite another friend to make up the numbers.
Worse, getting a string of hastily typed apologies just hours before kick-off is an almighty buzzkill. Spending the day preparing, cleaning, baking and making Spotify playlists – only to be hit by a wave of rejection just as you’re feeling most vulnerable about who will turn up – sucks.
There’s nothing wrong with guests reneging on party invitations per se. Shit happens. That’s life. Never mind. But rather than adding to your host’s headaches, the polite way to bow out of an event you find yourself unexpectedly unable to attend is to simply keep your mouth shut and your phone in your pocket. Ghosting, in this case, is the best approach.
Worst of all is vibes-death by group chat. I’ve learned the hard way never to make the mistake of creating a WhatsApp group for a party in which guests can also post. No matter how many 🕺 messages and 🍸 emojis are exchanged in advance, come the day, every invitee in the group will receive the same barrage of energy-sapping dropout messages as a parade of guests inevitably pronounce they “can’t make it after all”, like the world’s worst hype men.
OK, if it’s a small event – a dinner perhaps – and you suddenly can’t attend, sure, send a short note of apology followed by some grovelling (possibly via a card or flowers) a few days later. But for gatherings any larger than 10, just keep stumm.
Most organisers of large parties will have probably anticipated flakiness anyway, and will have invited enough people to ensure a banger regardless of dropouts. But no host wants to hear about how you “somehow double-booked” yourself while they’re elbows-deep in party prep. Your last-minute bailing is your loss. Keep it to yourself.
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Phineas Harper is a writer and curator
