3 weeks ago
35
I love my sister dearly. However, we could not be more different. I approach things head on: if something is a problem, I start working on it. She, on the other hand, is very passive. For the last 10 years three issues have been bothering her – her weight, her marriage and her dissatisfaction with her job. But she does nothing about any of them.
I tried to help her in many different ways: direct advice – she gets offended and feels judged. Then I tried “tiptoeing” around her. For each suggestion, she always has an excuse why it won’t work. Additionally, she often has a victim complex, as if things are just happening to her and that she has no personal agency.
Now I just listen because I gave up. But, because of this, I am feeling like a “dumping space” – my sister can talk for an hour about the same things. So I was wondering, what can I do? What other approaches can I try, so I can help my sister, while still being supportive and letting her do things in her own time and way? It hurts to see her stuck in life.
Eleanor says: Does she feel like this all the time or does she store up the complaints and resentments to vent to you? It might be useful to get clear on this part first.
How much of the total do you think you’re seeing? Does she truly think that her job, her marriage, her weight are all going badly, or is it just that she’s comfortable enough with you to tell you the bad bits? You’re siblings; she might feel she doesn’t need to be falsely sunny with you. This is a kind of closeness but it can easily lead to a misunderstanding. You think, “Why doesn’t she change, if she only has negative things to say?”, while she thinks, “Isn’t it great I can share the only negative things I have to say?”
If she’s storing up the negatives to vent to you, she might not want practical help. She might just want to share the feelings and have your patience. It’s possible that the way you help your sister with the struggles she discusses is not by changing them – but by letting her discuss them. You say you just listen now because you gave up, but “just listening” may be precisely the kind of help she wants. Being really heard is more than many people get in a lifetime.
I know it’s annoying to feel like a dumping ground. It’s quadruply annoying when every solution gets blocked or pooh-poohed before you’ve even finished offering it. But if you think of these conversations as the help you give her that might make them easier to endure. And it might make them easier to be deliberate about, too. For instance, it might help to ask: “What do you want me to do, when you share these things about work or your marriage? When do you feel like that chat has been helpful?” In time you might even suggest that if what she wants is a way to air frustrations, that might be better done with a professional, not just a sibling.
On the other hand, say she isn’t just venting – say she’s just stably unhappy with her marriage, her work, her weight. Ten years is a long time to feel like that. And it’s a long time to go without changes. I think a person’s agency can atrophy; go long enough without making choices and our ability to do so gets weaker. We can start to feel as though we’re not the kind of person who could want things or take steps to get them.
When that happens, sometimes the only power we feel we have left is to block and say no. Shutting down suggestions, or insisting no change will work, can be a way of reclaiming a sour imitation agency when the real thing seems unavailable.
If that’s the case, helping that can start with listening, too. When I’m in that horrible inertia of agency-less-ness I’ve always found it devastatingly galvanising to be asked: “Do you want things to feel different?” That’s not a solution, a proposed plan or somebody else’s idea of what needs to change. It’s just a question, and engaging with it long enough to answer it can remind you that there’s something inside you that is still at the controls.
Sometimes helping someone isn’t a matter of finding a practical solution. Sometimes it’s about listening and talking to someone in ways that remind them that they want a solution too.
The letter has been edited for length
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