8 hours ago
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Does a hedonistic lifestyle prevent young Muslims from ever finding love? Should Muslims flirt to convert? What’s the right halal to haram ratio?
Like any dating demographic, the rules of romance for Muslims looking to meet other single Muslims are fraught. So Yasmin Elhady is stepping in as their nosy auntie, helping them navigate everything from lifestyles choices, which may include alcohol and sex, to spirituality and attachment styles, on Hulu’s new dating show Muslim Matchmaker.
For a younger generation of Muslim Americans, the show is a breath of fresh air. In one scene, a young couple’s budding long-distance relationship is imperiled by clinginess (pro tip: don’t ask a guy you just started seeing to share his location with you). In another, a South Asian couple discuss age gaps (which viewers learn is religiously fine but sometimes culturally frowned upon). Elsewhere, Elhady, along with her fellow matchmaker on the show, Hoda Abrahim, deals with that deeply familiar problem: straight guys who can’t be bothered to make an effort or show up on time.
Born in Cairo, Egypt, and raised in Huntsville, Alabama, Elhady, 39, studied to be a lawyer and ventured into matchmaking and standup comedy along the way. Now, with 18 years of professional matchmaking under her belt, she wears many hats, or rather, hijabs: matchmaker, sure, but also spiritual adviser and disciplinarian, ready to call out bullshit when she sees it.
Elhady has been waiting for this moment – it took her five years to get Muslim Matchmaker made. She talked to the Guardian about some of the biggest dramas she tackles on Muslim Matchmaking – including “misery Muslims”, her “rules of three” (three dates, three months and 300 questions), and the question of sex before marriage.
Hi Yasmin, why do you think Muslims are so bad at dating?
I think Muslims are terrible at dating because there’s a taboo in our society about talking to people of the opposite sex, even though during Prophet Muhammad’s time, they had marketplaces and places of worship with no barrier. People met and interacted and lived together. There were also sacred spaces for men and women, too. I think that we’ve lost the ability to really mix with each other in ways that are healthy and give us insight into how to be better sons and daughters, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters.
And because of the taboo, we love interacting with non-Muslims. Bro, we can flirt all day with non-Muslims. That’s where the flirt-to-convert comes in, right?
However, many of us are seeing Muslim men marry non-Muslim women left and right, because there is no weirdness in talking to non-Muslim women.
What has the response been to this show from the Muslim community?
I got a really nice message from a very elder imam, who said: “This is really brilliant because it’s humorous and it’s warm, but it’s also honest with what’s going on with our young kids. Anybody who’s giving you any criticism or negativity is someone who’s out of touch with reality.” I thought that was interesting.
There are also people who are like, “this is haram. What are you doing?” There are people who attacked me in Facebook groups like, “Oh, she’s divorced. What does she have to say? Or “oh, she divorced for fame and money.” I’m like, who divorces for the fame? Are you guys okay? So we have very judgmental people. We call them misery Muslims on the show.
Is there a halal to haram ratio you take into consideration for matches? What’s your advice to Muslims who drink or have sex before marriage?I have zero judgment, I have only love and compassion for everyone. There’s lots of things all of us are dealing with. We want to have someone who meets you in that space instead of judging you harshly, or expecting you to change something about yourself that maybe you’re not ready to change. You’ll change on your own terms.
Your “rules of three” sound like a slog. Were you ever tempted to scrap them and go on instinct?The rules of three are an attempt to address a crisis. Many of these people have been going on their whims, crashing and burning for years, and are still single. That’s why they come to a matchmaker. And it’s not for everybody. Some people can organically find their way, and we want that. It’s just one tool of many. We want people to be in love. We want people to be in joy. We want to build stable, beautiful families.
The questions create a depth that some people can’t swim in, and I would like to know that within three months before I go swimming with you. If you’re willing to go on an adventure with me and take a chance and take a leap – beautiful.
It can’t have been easy convincing TV execs to commission this show. What sort of response did you come up against?
No after no. All I got was nos. Sometimes, the best thing for creatives is a no. That kind of immediate feedback is actually really helpful, they can’t share the vision, and so it’s not made for them. I had a lot of nos from agents as well, or people to represent me because “well, you’re not marketable,” or whatever.
What’s something people – Muslim or otherwise – should consider more when dating that they don’t?Have a framework. That’s at the top of the list. Don’t walk into it with no intention or plan. That’s why I do the rules of three.
People are dating willy-nilly, but they’re also not dating enough. The more interactions, the better. The more practice, the better. I’m not going to ask you to spend your entire life with this person. I’m asking you to spend three months with somebody if the first three dates go well. If they don’t go well, you don’t have to do that. Don’t be exclusive to that person.
Finally, it seemed like you were trying to set me up with someone earlier, a guy who worked in the oil and gas industry. Did you really think we’d be a good match? I set him up with another girl! It’s going amazing. He’s a cool guy, you would’ve liked him. Your problem is that you want to date the head of Amnesty International, or the guy that’s going to Guantánamo Bay to defend people with the Center for Constitutional Rights. I know you want that, babe, but I’m here to give you a dose of reality: you need a guy who’s solid, dedicated, adores you, and is in a completely different field than you.
This interview has been edited and condensed for brevity and clarity
