This is how we do it: ‘If I’m honest, the fact that Thomas was married made it more exciting’

Vivian, 61

Since menopause and being with Thomas, my interest in sex is much higher

“If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it,” my sister told me a couple of years after my divorce. “Go and buy a vibrator or something.” It was then, in my mid-50s, that I started masturbating for the first time. I had a sexual awakening: I orgasmed for the first time in my life, started listening to podcasts about sex, and was hornier than I’d ever been. It was around that time that Thomas and I started flirting via texts.

If I’m honest, the fact Thomas was still married made it more exciting. I justified it by telling myself that he and his wife hadn’t had sex in years. He told me he had feelings for me, but it was me who made the first move.

We first had sex seven months before Thomas eventually separated from his wife. I thought it would be a one-off. I couldn’t imagine us as a couple, but I knew we’d have fun. I’d never been with someone who cared about my pleasure before.

In my marriage, sex was boring and vanilla, something we did on a Saturday night. Since menopause and being with Thomas, my interest in sex is much higher. If it were up to me, we’d have sex every other day, but it’s more like twice a week. Once Thomas has had time to replenish, I’ll say: “It’s been a few days …” But my desire is responsive and I’m not used to being the initiator.

Thomas’s libido has declined since we’ve been together, and I worry it will continue to. Our drives probably aren’t that different, but for me, sex is connection and reassurance. When he orgasms, I feel complete. If Thomas initiates, it reassures me that I’m not too old, that I’m still attractive, that he still desires me.

Thomas, 58

Even the way Vivian sinks into my hugs shows how she desires me

Fourteen years ago, I joined a swimming club after moving to a new area with my wife and kids. I remember walking out on the pool deck and noticing Vivian. She was physically fit, friendly and took care of people in a way I found attractive. After she mentioned that her husband had to be home at 8pm to watch his shows, I imagined that their sex life wasn’t great. I fantasised about going over to their house in the day while he was at work and having sex with her.

The first time we kissed – at Vivian’s door after I drove her home – I felt a warm tingling sensation. It was the most sexually intimate I’d been with someone in almost eight years. But the first time we had sex it didn’t go very well. It was May, and I suggested a swim in a lake, imagining there would be something sensual about that. We tried to warm up in the shower, and I loved the feeling of her wet, smooth, slippery skin, but then we moved to the bed and the sheets stuck to our damp bodies. I couldn’t maintain an erection. Despite being as limp as a noodle, it didn’t feel like a failure – we laughed about it.

My sex drive is lower than it once was. I struggle to stay hard and it takes me a couple of days to recharge after sex. Vivian thinks that means she’s lacking in some way, but it’s nothing to do with her – it’s because I’m tired.

After my ex-wife stopped enjoying sex, I became embarrassed to express my sexuality. I’d wear pyjamas in bed and roll over with my back to her. But even the way Vivian sinks into my hugs shows how she desires me, which makes me feel comfortable expressing my sexuality.

I feel grief over the loss of libido – I miss my youth and how easy it was to get an erection. But non-sexual intimacy has expanded into the space left by sex, so I don’t feel frustrated.
Names have been changed