You be the judge: should my best friend stop wearing the same perfume as me?

2 hours ago 2

The prosecution: Marta

My individuality is very important to me and I like to keep my style and my scent unique

I’ve always been quite protective over my appearance. I don’t like it when people ask where I’ve bought something because I like to be unique.

My friends find it funny, but I think it’s important to have your own distinct style. This hasn’t been a point of contention until recently, when I bought a nice perfume. Elsa complimented me on it and asked what it was, then said she was going to buy it because she loved it so much.

I expressed annoyance at that, which I think is justified, even if it confused Elsa. My reasoning is simple: if I have a unique scent that is personal to me, I don’t want my best friend to smell the same. We can’t go around wearing the same perfume; it’s weird.

A personal scent is a very intimate thing. It’s not like a jumper or even a lipstick shade, which you put on and take off. When someone hugs me and says, “I like how you smell,” that means something and it’s personal. Elsa wanting to buy the exact same perfume feels like an erosion of my identity, and it also feels a bit lazy. Why can’t she find her own scent?

The one I have isn’t from a big designer brand, but a small French-owned website. I guess I want to gatekeep it because I did the research to find something that I really liked and feel that she should do the same. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to keep some things to myself.

I don’t copy Elsa’s clothes or her haircut – in fact I actively avoid doing so because I respect her individuality. The fact that she couldn’t understand why I’d be upset made me feel a bit dismissed. She called me “shallow” in a jokey way, but I didn’t find it funny. My boyfriend, Ben, also sided with her, which annoyed me more.

They have been quick to frame this as me being insecure, but I don’t think that’s fair. Wanting to feel distinct just means I value the small things that make us who we are. Algorithms nudge us towards the same things online, making us all less unique, so it’s increasingly important to hold on to our individuality.

The defence: Elsa

I’m not trying to copy her whole identity. Friends having similar tastes is just sharing the joy

I find it funny that Marta thinks she and I can’t have the same scent. Perfume isn’t private property – it’s a product sold in shops to the general public. The idea that once Marta wears a scent it becomes off-limits to everyone else in her social circle feels absurd.

Over the years, Marta has been quite defensive about people copying her style. When I bought a top she also owns without first informing her, she got annoyed. She doesn’t like it when people ask where her stuff is from because she wants to gatekeep her things. I find it funny, but a couple of times our mutual friends have expressed offence when she has tried to keep stuff from them.

I also think it’s slightly immature. If someone is copying your whole identity, fine – it’s fair to get annoyed. But if it’s just a perfume or an item of clothing, what’s the problem?

When I asked about the perfume, Marta got cold and standoffish. She eventually told me the brand, but I felt as if I’d accidentally crossed a line. When I pushed, she told me she didn’t want me to buy it. I laughed, but later realised she was serious. Her reaction made me feel like I’d stolen something from her when all I’d done was admire her.

Also, perfume smells different on everyone. Body chemistry, soap and detergent all change how a scent settles, so the idea that we’d smell the same is just not true. And even if we did, so what? We are best friends, so is it really so horrible to share a fragrance?

Friends influence each other all the time, and I’ve bought things Marta recommended to me before and she never seemed offended – but maybe it’s because she didn’t like the thing so much in the first place, and so didn’t mind sharing.

Liking the same perfume doesn’t mean I want to be her. It means we have overlapping tastes, which after 14 years of close friendship is probably quite normal. Perfume is meant to be enjoyed not guarded. I think sharing joy is far more important than guarding uniqueness for the sake of it.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Elsa come to her senses and find her own perfume?

Marta doesn’t own the perfume, and reducing her identity to a scent is absurd. Most people won’t even notice – no one else is thinking about us as much as we think they are!
Emily, 35

Scents are some of the most subliminal sensory elements, natural or not. I do understand Marta – she takes great care with her persona, and invest a lot of time and effort. But she did tell Elsa where the fragrance was from. Now she can take solace in being an “influencer”.
Laura, 62

Sorry Marta, unless you extracted or blended that perfume yourself, your claim to it is pretty flimsy. The hipster notion of “authenticity” – buying obscure and niche products “before they were cool” – is as consumerist as any algorithmic trend.
Josh, 42

It seems to me that Marta prizes her individuality and holds her individual consumer choices to be integral to her identity. This will always be a shaky combination, because when you buy your identity, someone else can also buy it. Identity should derive from what you do, not what you buy. Perhaps Marta should take up a hobby?
Victoria, 25

Once a product is on the market, it is available to any member of the public. To suggest it is part of any single purchaser’s identity is deluded. If Marta is hoping to be unique, she will need to pay to have a custom scent created for her and ensure the recipe becomes her property.
Ani, 71