You be the judge: should my husband stop calling all sweet things ‘buns’?

3 hours ago 1

The prosecution: Parveen

Joe says ‘buns’ covers all sweet things in the north, but I worry he’ll bring me home a burger bun

My husband, Joe, lumps all sweet things into one category, and I find it confusing. Sometimes he’ll go out to get something sweet for breakfast at the bakery, but I never know what he will come back with. I’ll ask him for a sweet pastry, and he’ll bring back a cake. A cake isn’t a pain au chocolat. They’re not the same.

More annoyingly, he has this quirk where he calls all sweet things “buns”, no matter what they are. I don’t know why he doesn’t call them by their proper names. I’ll tell him I fancy dessert in the evening and he’ll reply: “I’ll grab us some buns on the way back from work.” To me that sounds as if he’s going to come back with burger buns.

Joe’s approach to food terminology is chaos. He needs to learn from supermarkets: it’s important to clearly categorise your food. Joe claims “buns” can mean any type of cake, and that in Rotherham, where his family is from, they call all cakes, biscuits and sponges “buns”. He defends this practice by saying the term “cake” doesn’t make any sense to him either, because you can have fishcakes and savoury cakes. I think that’s a false equivalence.

His habit also causes me anxiety. I live in eternal fear that when I am longing for a lovely sweet dessert, he will proffer a dry burger bun.

I don’t think Joe appreciates the wide range of desserts because he is a vegan. Maybe he lumps all these very different sweet treats into the “bun” category because he doesn’t know what real desserts taste like and can’t distinguish one from the other.

I don’t want to come across as anti-northern, but I’d never heard of using “bun” to mean all desserts before and I don’t believe it. Also, Joe was born in Watford; it’s just his family who live up north. And while it’s very kind that he picks up sweet treats for me at the bakery, it’s often wasteful, as I end up eating pastries and cakes I didn’t want because he can’t seem to distinguish between different types of sweet things.

“Bun” works if you’re referring to an iced bun, but to put a pastry or dessert in that category is a step too far.

The defence: Joe

Regional differences in language are all part of the fun – plus, surely sugar is sugar?

Parveen is right about a couple of things. I’m generally less interested in sweets than her. And I don’t really eat sweet things for breakfast. I do plain oats and that’s it.

So I’ve had to learn from her that a cake for breakfast isn’t normal, and if Parveen says “I want something sweet from the bakery,” she wants a pastry. But if I’ve been sent out to buy a pastry and they don’t have any left, I’ll just pick up a cake, biscuits or chocolate to replace it. Parveen will get annoyed. She’ll say it’s not an adequate substitution, and that it’s “random” to replace a pastry with biscuits. But they’re both sweet.

Parveen hates it when I say “I’ll get a bun on the way home” because she doesn’t know what I mean by it. But sweet things are sweet things, and I’ll get whatever I see in the supermarket. I do try to get what she likes, but surely sugar is sugar, so what does it really matter? I don’t think it’s got anything to do with me being vegan either.

I do get that there are differences, but I use “bun” to describe cakes, cupcakes and other sweet treats. I hate the word “cupcake” and also the term “baked goods”.

I’ve got memories of turning up at my granny’s house at the weekend and eating an iced bun or a cake with chocolate icing and sprinkles, or a mini Bakewell pudding. My mum and gran would call all of them buns. I recognise that they are all very different, but that’s what I grew up doing.

I wasn’t brought up in Rotherham; I’m a plastic northerner, that’s true, but I think having regional differences in language is all part of the fun. When I brought this disagreement up with my mum recently, I pointed to a cake and she said, “Yes that’s a sponge bun.” Parveen was even more confused.

We’ve been together for four years, and in that time I’ve learned that sweet substitutions need to be as closely related to one another as possible, but I don’t see anything wrong with saying “bun” to describe them all. A sweet is a sweet.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Joe be more specific when referring to sweet treats?

I am all for maintaining proper regional slang, but Joe’s statement “a sweet is a sweet” feels like weaponised incompetence … Joe’s guilty, but only just. Maybe a compromise: Parveen could embrace the chaos a little bit if Joe stopped pretending not to understand what a pastry is!
Rich, 31

Parveen should appreciate Joe’s efforts, even if they aren’t perfect every time. And perhaps Joe could show a little more curiosity about what she fancies that night to avoid the burger bun anxiety.
Ellie, 28

Parveen “lives in eternal fear” over what sweet treat her husband will show up with, instead of asking specifically for what she fancies. Joe isn’t a fan of sweet treats and needs clear guidance when asked to procure some.
Polly, 34

Parveen should tell Joe, like you’d tell the online grocery, “No substitutions.” Or she could go with him to the bakery, and use it as a teachable moment. It’s quite clear that for Joe, “bun” always means a sweet baked good, and Parveen should just deal with that (much like I’ve had to learn, as an expat living in this country, that “pudding” means dessert).
Katherine, 60

Parveen should count herself lucky that she has a lovely partner who bothers to pick up buns for her after work. What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Jethro, 54