You be the judge: should my husband stop expecting me to come to all his family gatherings?

3 hours ago 4

The prosecution: Chloe

It’s thoughtless to wheel me out to his family as a formality. I need my own space sometimes

My husband Edwin comes from a big Colombian family, which is very different from the kind of environment I grew up in, and it leads to conflict between us.

I had one sibling, a brother, but he passed away in a car accident when I was nine. My mum died a couple years ago. I grew up quite detached from my parents and was never that close to my father. As a result, I’m very independent and I like my own space.

Dating Edwin was a challenge at first, as he is the complete opposite. He wants to be with me all the time, but also wants me to spend time with his family. He’s like a big labrador.

Edwin loves kids. He has five brothers and sisters and around 20 nieces and nephews. I also like kids, but I like my space too. We’re in our early thirties and want a family one day, but not yet. The other week he got annoyed when I wasn’t able to go to his goddaughter’s seventh birthday party with him because I’d made plans to attend my best friend’s birthday.

He said: “But what will people think?” It seemed that his biggest concern wasn’t about us spending time together, but about me showing my face in front of his family. I told him that I have a life, and that I’d made plans to be at my friend’s birthday ages ago, but he wasn’t able to see it from my point of view. He even said I was being thoughtless. But I think it’s thoughtless to wheel me out to his family just as a formality. I don’t even know his goddaughter very well.

Edwin also got annoyed with me at Christmas. We were surrounded by his whole family and kids were screaming. After hours of board games, I had to lie down because I had a headache. He told me later that was rude, but to me it would have been ruder if I had stayed up with a scowl on my face.

Maybe Edwin finds it hard to see my point of view because he and I only see my father twice a year: it’s way less hands-on. We’ve been together for four and a half years and get on very well, but he needs to understand I can’t always spend time with his family.

The defence: Edwin

Family is at the centre of things. I want Chloe to feel included and to show my relatives we’re a unit

It hurts when Chloe calls my family “a lot”. When you grow up surrounded by noise and people coming and going, you forget that not everyone experiences family the same way.

For me, family has always been at the centre of everything: not because it’s perfect, but because it’s constant. When things go wrong, you don’t retreat. I didn’t lose anyone growing up like Chloe did, and we’ve talked about how that’s shaped our attitudes. I admire her, but she is so hyper-independent at times – when we first started going out, it was hard for her to let me in.

When I ask her to come to family events, it’s not about wheeling her out like a prop. It’s about inclusion, showing everyone that I have my person and that she’s part of us. When Chloe doesn’t come, I feel a little silly and maybe a bit exposed. Everyone asks me where she is, because there’s an expectation in my family that she should come to everything I go to as we are a unit. She doesn’t get that and it’s hard sometimes.

My goddaughter’s party symbolised our togetherness, and I had to fend off lots of questions from relatives, which was embarrassing. Chloe said she had a friend’s birthday but that wasn’t a super-important event either. I knew it was important to her though, which is why I didn’t get annoyed.

I know she has a low social battery, and at Christmas when she disappeared to lie down, I wasn’t angry, just embarrassed because I had to cover for her in front of my family.

When it comes to having kids, I worry that she may want to parent them differently. She likes her space, whereas I prefer being in a community and having everyone coming over to help with the baby. I love her, but I also love the big family chaos.

I’m trying to adjust to her way of being, but we don’t spend time with her family. That’s not my fault – or hers. But I do need her to see that when I ask her to come to my family events, it’s not about optics, it’s about belonging.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Edwin put less pressure on Chloe?

I’m with Chloe. Just as Edwin has his family, Chloe has her friends and her obligations to them. And we all have the right to rest, regardless of circumstance. Edwin’s expectations are unfair.
Jessica, 21

Chloe understands their different perspectives and tries to accommodate them. I find it disturbing that Edwin labelled her headache break as rudeness. His own words suggest that this is more about his ego when he is with family.
Eleanor, 66

Edwin’s wish to include Chloe in family events is rooted in love and his culture, but he frames her need for space as something to overcome rather than respect. Without clear expectations, this mismatch risks long-term resentment – especially if they have a family together.
Chris, 37

Edwin and his family expect Chloe to be wholeheartedly present at all gatherings, and there’s no wriggle room for Edwin to explain her absence. He needs to explain to his family that Chloe has a different approach and may not always be present.
Simon, 45

Edwin must listen to what Chloe is saying and stop needing to “show” her to his family. Families can mean well while being intrusive. This conflict could deepen with the arrival of a newborn, as a baby can leave new parents overwhelmed and exhausted.
Avril, 71