4 hours ago
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The message I most dread receiving on WhatsApp isn’t “Call me” or “I can’t believe what you did last night”. It’s “I’m just going to vn you, it’ll be easier”. I roll my eyes as I fish my grubby headphones out of my bag to listen to yet another voice note.
Voice notes were fun when WhatsApp introduced them in 2013, but what was once a novelty has become too many people’s go-to method of communication. We are now faced with what feels to me like a voice note epidemic. Side effects may include the cheapening of conversation and a startling increase in narcissism.
WhatsApp estimates that 7bn audio messages are sent on its platform every day. And Britons are serious offenders, sending an average of 58 hours’ worth of these digital soliloquies a year. Senders can be spotted on their morning commute, phone held in front of them at a 45-degree angle, as they wax lyrical about a colleague who never replenishes the communal biscuit tin or a situationship who, surprise, doesn’t want to be in a relationship. These wannabe podcast hosts interrupt themselves with: “Oh my god, such a cute dog” or “Oops, was nearly ploughed down by a bicycle”, as if the listener needs environmental colour as they strain to understand the story soup sloshing around in their ears.
Gen Z audio messages average 12 minutes and 24 seconds, and dear reader, as a member of this cohort I’ve suffered hours, if not days, of these meandering monologues. Do you really expect me to listen to all of that? It’s not that I’m uninterested, but this method brings out the narcissistic tendencies of the sender. For a generation that complains about “life admin”, we sure like to dish it out to each other.
By not actively calling someone, voice noters are able to dodge the to and fro of a conversation and take centre stage. During the brief period when I dabbled in audio messaging I caught myself listening back to my performance before I hit send – that’s when I knew it was time to call it quits.
But I’m not a complete luddite. Voice notes can be useful, say, if you’re driving or want to stay in touch with friends who live in different time zones. But overall they are far too self-involved. It could be argued that the precursor to the modern voice note was posting a cassette tape, as many once did. This somehow seems much more meaningful. You’d take time to think about what you wanted to say, sit down in a chair away from distractions, hit record and deliver your thoughts. Or in the case of my father, propose to my mother, who lived 5,000 miles away in Japan. A proposal on a physical piece of media? Romantic. Proposing over a voice note? Absolutely not.
So next time you think about sending me a voice note, please don’t. You can thank me for saving you from being hit by a bicycle. Why not give me a ring when you have a few minutes? I’ll answer.
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Annabel Martin is a lifestyle and culture writer
