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It’s been a quiet transfer window, all things considered, with even the worst internet attention-seekers refusing to don their yellow ties and take a day off school for its final day, their mum’s toy spaceship left idling in a shoebox under the bed. But there might yet be some action – not like that, how dare you – so let’s dive in.
Crystal Palace are enduring a miserable season, rapidly slipping down the table and now in danger of relegation, the perfect example of how to ruin unexpected success. On the other hand, Steve Parish’s quiff still looks pristine, so swings and roundabouts, but he’s now faced with a problem: does he stop lovingly tending it to consider Nottingham Forest’s £35m bid for Jean-Philippe Mateta, or simply pretend that no such thing ever happened?
The player, meantime – presumably because proximity to Tasty Jerk is punishing for a professional athlete – has made clear his desire to leave the club. But is that desire felt so keenly that he’s happy to work for cuddly old Evangelos Marinakis, and if so, what does that say about the environment at Selhurst Park? We shall soon find out.
Palace, for their part, are seeking £40m, and will not sell unless a replacement is found. Under consideration is Wolves’ prolific hitman Jørgen Strand Larsen, whose six goals in 25 games make him an ideal purchase if the Premier League’s third-lowest scorers are intent on continuing their freefall.
In other striker news, Juventus are seeking one but their own pursuit of Mateta has been fruitless, with Beto, Federico Chiesa, Randal Kolo Muani and Joshua Zirkzee the only names suggested. As such, plans are afoot to see if any of Ian Ormondroyd, Ian Olney, Serginho, Andrea Silenzi, Bernardo Corradi and Stuart Barlow can be persuaded out of retirement.
Elsewhere, Bruno Fernandes will wait until the end of the season before deciding if he wants to call a skank a skank and let Manchester United ruin the remainder of his career. Last summer, he pretended to flirt with a move to Saudi though, given his reputation as a footballer who loves football, no one actually believed him. But apparently he’s serious this time, of course he is, and will wait for United to appoint their next managerial failure, decide a monstrous new £400,000 a week contract isn’t enough to make him deal with Jason Wilcox and Manuel Ugarte on a regular basis, then sign it anyway.
Down the East Lancs Road, Everton have rejected an offer made by Lazio for midfielder Tim Iroegbunam. However, whether the player prefers purple wheelies and ginger managers to the Sistine Chapel and Trevi Fountain remains to be seen.
And finally for today, Leicester City are seeking a new manager after sacking Marti “Victor” Cifuentes. Under consideration are former player Gary Rowett along with Derek McInnes of Hearts, as though anyone prepared to swap a chance at the first non-Old Firm Scottish title in 41 years for 14th in the Championship shouldn’t be immediately discounted on grounds of insanity. But the favourite is surely Russell Martin, whose complex footballing theory, moving sporting idealism and lush, luxuriant curtains bestow far too much public mirth to be out of the game for long.
