3 hours ago
4
Grace, 33
“We’ve been getting to know each other and building intimacy in bursts of a few weeks at a time
Theo and I have friends in common, and we slept together casually in our early 20s. After I moved abroad, we lost touch. Nine years later, in 2023, we fell for each other. I was on holiday by myself in Spain, and he replied to a thirst trap I’d posted, saying he was going to be in the same region. We went back to my hotel after dinner and had Negroni-fuelled, animalistic sex. In my 20s, I was self-conscious about my body and inexperienced, but by my 30s I was much more confident in myself, my skills and my body.
We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for the past year and a half, getting to know each other and building intimacy in bursts of a few weeks at a time, either on holiday or when he comes to visit me.
This summer, we lived together for three months and, apart from when I had thrush, had sex two or three times a week. I thought I had a high sex drive, but Theo’s is higher. He gets hard very quickly, whereas I need a build-up. If I’m feeling bloated, anxious or low in confidence, I find it harder to get in the mood. I lost my job recently, which affected my self-esteem, which then affected intimacy. We also had an abortion last year, which was difficult, but it brought us closer and forced us to have conversations – about kids and the future – that we hadn’t yet had.
Theo is my first boyfriend, my best friend and the love of my life. I love how complimentary he is; he encourages me to look at my body in the mirror, telling me I’m beautiful. He makes me feel very safe, and I can be completely myself with him. Having that level of intimacy with someone for the first time feels very different to the sex I had in my 20s. I send him silly, ugly photos that I wouldn’t send to anybody else, and that playfulness translates into our sex life.
This is the first serious relationship for both of us, so we’re learning together. As very independent people, we’re understanding how to commit to someone and to know ourselves better while being in a relationship, rather than losing the people we’ve spent decades becoming.
Theo, 32
“Because we don’t live in the same country, if it’s not really intense after we haven’t seen each other for a month, I worry
Grace and I had an instant connection when we met at a festival in our 20s; it was as though we already knew each other. We had bizarre things in common, like her studying in the small town in Italy where my dad is from. I was attracted to her aura, her eyes, her warmth, and invited her to stay at my parents’ up north, where we slept together for the first time. I’d been single since I was 18, put off by commitment after what felt like an intense relationship for that age.
Intimacy scared me; I prioritised my freedom and autonomy. Although sex with Grace was more intimate than other sex I was having, and she was someone I wanted to spend time with, not just have sex with, I wasn’t looking for anything serious at that time.
When we reconnected a couple of years ago, I’d spent a long time being avoidant. When I didn’t address where our relationship was going, or my flights to visit her were delayed or cancelled, I worried Grace would still see me as the flaky, unreliable boy that I was when we first met, but she didn’t put pressure on me.
Our relationship has existed in a space that isn’t reality – on holiday and at festivals – but tough moments have taught us more about each other. When we decided to have an abortion, we had to learn how to be vulnerable. Our intimacy has evolved, with long phone calls and intimate photos, which show she’s thinking about me.
I’m very attracted to Grace and want to have sex with her four or five times a day. Because we don’t live in the same country, if it’s not really intense after we haven’t seen each other for a month, I worry about what it’s going to be like in 10 years when we have kids. But I need to be respectful of Grace’s libido too, its ebbs and flows. So I’m learning to ask myself, what makes her want to be in the mood? How can I be more attractive to her?
