This is how we do it: ‘When we do have sex it’s the best, but it hasn’t happened for six months’

Henry, 41

We have the option to play away, but I don’t want to experience that intimacy with anybody else

Luis and I met on Grindr 12 years ago, just after he’d moved to the UK and I’d split up with my ex-husband. The last time we had sex was about six months ago, and the time before that, a year. Luis initiated, because even though he’s a bottom, he’s usually the one in control. I now hold back, fearing he’ll reject me. When I do initiate and get a flat-out “no,” I feel sad, but I know not to take it personally.

Five years ago, Luis was diagnosed with depression and was prescribed medication. After that his libido vanished. We have the option to play away, but the less sex Luis and I have, the less I want it with other people. I don’t want to experience that intimacy with anybody else. But once a week, I’ll disappear and be sexual with myself, exploring my fantasies with men on Grindr. When Luis met up with other men, I didn’t feel hurt because he was just doing it to feel sexual, which is easier with someone he doesn’t know, as there are no emotions or expectations.

What I love most about Luis is how loving, kind and supportive he is to everyone around him. He’s the most amazing teacher and puts so much of himself into that role, but his commitment can take a toll on our home life and relationship. He’s there for everyone else, but forgets to look after himself.

Even though he doesn’t feel attractive right now, I’m still deeply attracted to Luis. At some point, when he decreases his medication, my hope is that his libido comes back, his body confidence improves, and he feels sexy again. I hope our sex life can get back to where it was before he was diagnosed, and we get to enjoy each other again.

Luis, 46

I hate not giving the person I love what he needs, but that feels easier than trying and feeling like a failure

Since I’ve been depressed, I’ve felt incapable of having a sexual relationship. My sexual needs are the easiest thing for me to deprioritise, and the high dose of antidepressants I’m on means I struggle to get an erection. I hate not giving the person I love what he needs, but that feels easier than trying and feeling like a failure .

My fear of letting people down or not being good enough started during childhood. Growing up gay in Spain, where I’m from, I felt I had to be perfect at everything to be accepted or loved. So now, when Henry wants sex, I worry I’ll let him down by not getting an erection or ejaculating, sending signals that I don’t desire him. I’d rather reject Henry than frustrate or disappoint him later on.

After my diagnosis and my dad’s death, Henry and I drifted apart physically. I felt vulnerable and negative about myself, unable to have the same level of intimacy. My weight fluctuated, and I didn’t feel comfortable in my body. I feared Henry wasn’t going to love me, like I wasn’t enough. The two times I met up with men from Grindr, it was more transactional, whereas with Henry, it’s emotional. But it was never about my pleasure; I just observed theirs.

The last time we had sex, Henry initiated. We were in bed, cuddling, kissing, and exploring each other’s bodies, and for some reason, I wasn’t so in my head. I have intrusive thoughts that tell me I’m not capable of having sex, that I’m not going to enjoy it, but they didn’t take over that day.

Henry is very understanding and has learned not to put pressure on me. When we do have sex, he tries hard to make sure it’s not stressful; he just wants me to enjoy it too. I’ve set the bar so high for myself, but I hope to get to a place where I don’t feel like I have to perform or be 100% to have sex, and be more receptive to experiencing pleasure in other ways.